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Rob's Rant 

My rules- set by me

  1. I知 allowed to go off on what I feel like.
  2. Nothing has to be relevant to anything
  3. I値l attempt to stay off the subject of football
  4. I値l attempt to substitute swear words with their lesser-offensive equivalent.

26th May 2017

Airplane Passengers

I知 quite a frequent flier so have experienced lots of flights where there痴 lots of nice people all with the same goal of getting somewhere with the least amount of hassle and discomfort possible. I understand if you are a big person that you might overspill or take up the arm rest a bit, at night you might want to sleep and put the seat back to get comfy. What I dislike and find annoying is if you are normal sized, on a day flight,  please consider the person behind you who has no bloody room to move once you致e put your seat fully back for no reason!

On a recent flight, I was asked if I could move seats to accommodate a family, no problem I still had a window seat for the 7.5 hour journey. I was stuck behind some person who did this, proceeded to watch TV and kiss and cuddle with (what I presume) was his girlfriend. When I asked him to move his seat forward a little bit when the meal came, I would have expected a bit of consideration, not a movement of less than an inch forward. Fortunately karma came into play and gravy was spilt down his back whilst passing the tray to the stewardess, due to lack of room, but that痴 not the point (and may have been less of an accident than it looked).  Consider the poor b@$tard behind you first! And if a request comes for more room, remember I知 clumsy at any point I feel I need to be!!!


Craft Beer Experts

Ok so I知 not a fan of craft beers I致e tried a few and some are ok, some are awful, none really appeal to me. This said, I don稚 have a grudge against them, or a good 75% of people who drink them (including millennials who are close to having their own specially targeted rant on here), but I do have a grudge about a certain set of people who have to tell me all about their experiences with craft beers. Why?

1.       They always use the same phrase about a craft beer from a while back that was, 鄭 beuuuuutiful drop. This is said with accentuating the 繕 in beautiful whilst slightly tipping the head back in the face formation as if they were receiving a strand of spaghetti from above. The word 租rop has to be used instead of drink, pint or taste.

2.       They always presume that I知 interested in every drop of 鮮obblers Cock, 糎easels Wheatey, 禅hrumbastons Charwoman or 腺ishops Bodypart they致e ever tasted. I知 not interested and I never asked!

3.       They always also have to involve the person pulling the pint to ask if they have a keg of a previous one they致e had, 摘xcuse me barman, do you have any of the 舛humpagumpers Breweries 詮laccid Marrowlifter? It痴 a beuuuuutiful drop I discovered in the south coast! inevitably the barman will say no and pretend he had it on last week.

4.       Then after the barman has used a conversational avoidance technique, it痴 ignored with, 登h you should get some more in, it痴 got a lovely hoppy taste with an undertone of #insert fruit here# and a hint of #insert other vegetable/fruit here# with a #insert flavour description here (such as tangy or dry)# finish, beuuuuutiful! to the barman nodding his head and pretending he痴 got a customer waiting on the other side of the bar.

5.       They discover the beers not went to the pub and tried it because it was on tap, they discover them!

6.       And then there痴 the actual drinking of the pint they have in their hand,  take a big swig and 登oooooh, lovely


2nd Nov 2015

Salad cream

It goes in the fridge, there痴 no two ways about it even on the back of the bottle it tells you to keep refrigerated once opened. It痴 quite a nasty sight flipping the lid over on a room-temperature (21 degrees according to every science lesson, science paper and science teacher I have ever encountered), salad cream bottle and seeing the crust built over the outlet and finding that it痴 actually warmer than the lettuce or whatever you池e trying to pour it onto.


House Temperature/Central Heating

I知 surprised it痴 taken me this long, but the salad cream one reminded me. Anyway people who have their heating on full power need to know scientifically agreed, room temperature is 21 degrees. It痴 a comfortable temperature to be in. If you personally are cold, put a jumper on. If you are still cold, wear a coat. Still cold? Then there痴 something wrong with you. Go see a doctor. On Wikipedia, there痴 a big explanation about it, but I think the line that quotes; 鄭lthough by other considerations the maximum should be below 24 ーC (75 ーF)  and for sick building syndrome avoidance, below 22 ーC (72 ーF).[2]


The other issue with this is that when someone enters a room from outside and says, 徹oh it痴 cold, let痴 put the heating up. NO. You池e the one who痴 cold, not the room and it痴 because you致e been outside. The thermostat controls the ambient temperature, keeps it at a level, if you walk in and you are cold, it痴 because you are cold. Get your mind to work this in and leave the bloody thermostat alone.


Current 善opular TV shows

I知 no sorry in saying how much I ignore programs like Big Brother, TOWIE, Made in Chelsea or any other connotations of this drivel. There are shows that, although helping people, still follow the overly-use story line of not being able to finish something in time and suddenly making it right at the last minute (DIY SOS prime example). Then there are programs that are made to fill spaces in time with the cheapest and uninventive boring tripe possible. The first of these I値l bring to the court is that Bake Off bullsh!t. My understanding is, it痴 a cake making competition, a bit like MasterChef (I could have sworn I did a rant about this program also), but just with cakes. Not being a cake fan, I couldn稚 give a flying toss about how they are made, how difficult and how they could be described. Moist, fluffy, light, citrus tang, does anyone really have that much passion about a pointless time-waste that they really want to give up all other opportunities and spend an hour watching someone make a souffl?

This applies also to;

羨ntiques buying and selling shows, what a bag of turds

腺uying and doing up houses shows as somehow the buyers only have budgets of 」400k spare and want something 僧odest. Middle class, wax-jacket-wearing ring pieces!

Loose women yes, I bet they are, very. And Janet Street Porter is a (to steal a phrase) 溺ongy Foghorn



What the hell is going on in the last few years with the motorways? Every single one seems to be getting re-built. We need to check the sat-nav time and add on an hour for each 50 miles we are travelling. Reduced speed limits agreed, are for the workers safety, but surely at some point one road will be completed and there will be free-flowing traffic? Not in the past 5 years there hasn稚 been. I知 starting to think that all these construction companies have actually hired out the middle sections of the motorways to store their gear in. They aren稚 working on anything, they are all parked there until they get taken to a job. They are also storing their gravel and sand there by the looks of it. Maybe if they were forward thinking, they could put some parking spaces in there as well it痴 save us having to wait in the actual road for the traffic to reduce so the possibility of seeing third gear would be more likely.


23rd June 2015

Bathroom roller blind

The latest thing in my list of hates is roller blinds. The set in our bathroom is completely amazing, no matter which cord you pull, it's always goes the opposite way you want it to. There's a dongle thingy on it and I'm definite that it changes place. Before you tell me its position and relativity to direction of blind will alter depending on the current position of the blind, I already know this, yet every time I try to open or close, the bloody thing does the opposite, knowing full well that it's being a pr!ck. I've checked the position of toggle when it is open, closed, being opened and being closed, it changes! My conclusion is that either someone keeps swapping it around or it's got a weird gear system designed to be as awkward as possible. There are two options, put up with it, or let the neighbours be frightened at a free show. Actually it's just going to end up ripped off and thrown into next doors garden!


19th September 2014

Hotel Rooms

I know this isn稚 just me and have checked by asking some people who frequently have to stay in varied hotels as their job requires them during visits and meetings. I also don稚 believe in energies within Feng Shui, but recognise familiarity links with comfort and security.

So there I was, arrived in the hotel for the night, which I致e stayed in a couple of times. It痴 a nice, clean, modern place, the foyer is  modern and minimalist, the concierge is friendly and helpful and it痴 all pretty good. The thing I had is that every time I stayed there, when I got into the room, it felt a bit like a generic 4 star hotel. Everything in the pre-built, same place, same amenities and pretty much had no 祖onnection to the room. The latest visit was a bit different. As per usual, had the meeting, finished it later than planned and went to the room to get changed before heading out. Got to the room, opened the door, but instantly it felt different, somehow a bit more homely. After noticing this I realised that it was because the layout was different from all the others I壇 been in. The bathroom was on the left hand side when entering, which was opposite to every other time I stayed there (coincidental I guess that I壇 always had a right-sided room) and everything was set in mirror as to what I was used to there it was what I壇 classify as a left-sided room. It was different, but somehow felt better. It can only have been down to the opposite layout. Later on we chatted about this and realised that another in our team said exactly the same, but his was a left-sided room and it didn稚 feel right as he preferred a right-sided room. Anyway this isn稚 a rant, I know, but some weird observation, probably proving I have some deep-seated OCD and psychological issues J


1st May 2013

David Bowie

Only up until recently did I realise how awful this bloke痴 singing is. To be honest I never took notice, mainly imitating him for comedy value but never noticing actually that he cannot sing in the slightest. It痴 just a waily whingey voice that bears no resemblance to tune or tone. Driving along with a mate, one of his songs was playing, and damn he is terrible. Basically talking his way through with complete and utter nonsense lyrics which aren稚 amusing, interesting or thought provoking, just utter drivel coming out of a mockney 奏rying to be new romantic still , failing to be any good moaning annoyance that he tries to blag as a singing voice. The perfect example of this is the Sony advert out at the moment where there is a couple in India (I think at a Holyday festival) throwing dried paint about and washing their phone under the tap (see Smart phones), with this painful warbling going on in the background with the lyrics of, 迭ain, Rain, Go Away, Nothing to see, Nothing to say (or something like that). Dull, stolen from a nursery rhyme, badly presented and just basically toss. I知 actually hoping he痴 a good musician otherwise there have been a lot of people led along over many years thinking he痴 a good artist, when he痴 worse than some of the contestants that don稚 even make it past the first stage of pop idol.


People over-agreeing during presentations

Ok so some presentations are interesting, some are dull and some you have to endure sitting near a person who thinks that they should make noise all the way through. This isn稚 the usual acceptable noises such as a cough or sneeze, or even maybe the odd rumble from a stomach, no, this is the bloody annoying action in which politicians do in the houses of parliament. We致e all been to a presentation where we agree with the presenter, are mildly surprised with the information or raise eyebrows at what痴 being presented. When a presenter asks the audience a question the acceptable norm is a mumble of agreement or acceptance, but this is when required, what is not needed is a 杜mm or tut at every bloody part of their speech.  If they tell you that the Scottish market sells the most amount of Irn Bru in the country, don稚 sit there nodding and mumbling agreements to yourself, SHUT UP!!. If they say the market for Sinclair C5痴 has diminished, we don稚 need to hear your tut from the other side of the room. Stop trying to make it look like you knew this sort of thing is happening or was going to happen, stop pretending that you know what the presenter is saying and SHUT UP because your noises are annoying, too frequent and make everyone in the vicinity want to give you an elbow to the neck!!!  What exactly are you looking for? Recognition that you pretended to 組et what they were presenting? Do you think the presenter will personally thank you for paying attention? No one near you needs to talk as they are too busy listening and actually taking in the info. What you should do is take the presentation in a room on your own and dribble on it, shout 添EEEEEEESSSSSS at it and frap off in your own privacy, not fill mine and all others ears with your noises which sound like a nun being shafted by the vicar next to mother superiors bedroom!!!!


15th April 2013

Smart phones

Something that has gotten me recently is the acquisition of a new phone' a smart phone no less. Now you'd think, knowing that I'm a technical genius :) that I壇 take to this with the ease of a politician ripping off the needy, but this is not the case. Now I have the basics working and can use them fluently, apart from the function of texting / writing what I want. Predictive text is a great facility, but not when it's changing what you want to write into a load of junk, that you only spot when it's trying to send the message. typing in something simple like "I'll be home in a hour" turns into, "I'm setting up plans to invade a small European swimming pool" for those of you who know, you should always check if you are sending a text to a family member where you have t use the words 'aunt'. on my particular phone it seems to understand when I require to send the message in a swift manner, and come up with the most complete rubbish possible and then exit form the message whilst half way through spouting out this gubbins. now the rest of the functions on the phone are quite good, better than the iPhone (you bunch of sheep), and there is an abundance of crap to load onto it that I'll never use or be bothered with, but I have no idea what there is so much that's not needed. the main functions which the phone isn't able to do which would add much more benefit would be to have a lighter and bottle opener, then everything we need would be sorted (also some form of easy goods payment as an alternative to passing over cash would be nice) this way all you'd need is a your phone, then it would be 'smart'!!


Clueless politicians

Yes I know everyone has a gripe with them, everyone thinks they are all buffoons, but we vote them in and it's still better than having a dictator demanding we do what they say. The issue is that there seems to be a special few who are just completely void of rational thought. Osborne I think his name is quoted 'I can live on 」53 a week'. Well maybe for one week, if you've got a months shopping in, paid the rent and bills, filed the car with petrol and aren't going anywhere or doing anything, but in reality it's a load of rubbish. Then there's the expenses scandal, tell me who doesn't make the most of their expenses when permitted? well, if they seemed t get away with it for quite a long time before being spotted, in a normal corporation this would / should have been spotted and questioned very quickly (in real terms this means a month, political terms it means 4 years). They seem to fail to notice that everything they do and say could go to press and will have consequences, surely they should think first? But no, that's their advisors faults, so the sack them with the excuse "you didn't advise me not to be a twat". The exception to being a fool is Boris Johnson; he's the comedy value, the likable idiot or the gumby of the group. Any idea he has will be slightly funny, any thing he does will turn out to cause mirth, solely due to the fact that he is beyond self righteousness, is he allowed a pardon in this case.


Ignoring seat allocations.

Ok so this is quite a specific one, but every long haul flight I've been on this has happened. I can excuse the elderly as they may be confused or not used to flying, I can excuse parents of young children who  may  need to sit next to their kids, what I can't stand is the total ignorance of some idiots who can稚 match their ticket number to their seat number, when clearly marked. On a recent flight I sat in my seat, quickly and easily as I have the ability to match my seat number on the ticket to the seat number displayed on the overhead lockers. There was a couple sitting to the window seats to my right, a couple in the aisle seats in front of me and a few people dotted around. When the plane starts filling up, all sorts of commotion ensues. the couple on the right are being asked (politely) by the flight attendant if they have tickets for both seats as there is a passenger standing looking quite defiant at her allocated place, they are pretending to ignore her and look out of the window. The attendant eventually taps one on the shoulder who throws a disgusted look and they continue to mess around waving tickets about. Turns out that both of the idiots aren't in their seats at all and one should be in the middle of an aisle, the other in the middle of a window seat somewhere down the plane. Similarly with the couple in front of me, same reaction, same result. These people should be slapped, we booked our flights, chose our seats and sat in them, pissing around and trying to blag another is just wasting everyone's time and patients. The next happening which nearly caused me to get the hump was when a stewardess asked me if I would mine switching with someone, I asked who. She said a mother and child have been split up and if I could move further up on an aisle seat and they take mine and the empty next to me. In this instance it was ok, a) because I wouldn't be sitting next to a kid. b) I ended up with much more leg room. This was ok, but if they had said it was the couples being stupid they would have been told to shove it where their lifejackets are stored!!


Sports parents

I recently watched a kids sports tournament (went to see my cousin, not just to go and watch children) and found how idiotic some parents can be regarding their views on sports. During the game, team A were wiping out the opposition (team B for reference). It got to around 15-0 and team B were becoming obviously frustrated. The coaches brought in their teams for a chat. For some reason team B were a little longer in discussion than team A, but this might be because the coach was recalling each goal. the game continued, team B turned dirty, swiping, hacking and generally playing more aggressive than allowed at that age group. Then the bomb hit, a one on one with the keeper of team B, keeper comes out and totally wipes out the attacker with obvious intention to injure. Attacker crumples like a sack of spuds, game is stopped, attacker is carried off. Mr. Knob head (we'll call him) comes out with, "ha ha great challenge, that'll teach him". f*#king idiot, it's a bunch of kids playing, what kind of stupid parent thinks it is good that they are smashing each other to pieces at the age of 9?? Anyway, Mr. Knob head got an earful from numerous onlookers, including the supporters of team B. surely he must realise that he looks like a tw@t shouting things like that and I sincerely hope he spends the next 6 months wallowing in disappointment that his kid was on such a naff team to lose 15-0. W4nker!!


Double tums

Ok I'm not specifically having a go at fat people; I'm picking out a group of specifically unneeded over-weight wastes of space I didn't believe exists outside of the TV. I have seen a few ridiculously sized people in the UK, which isn't genetic, it's not due to problems or issues, it's down to eating more calories than being burnt (see a Ricky Gervais stand-up show if you want more refinery on this).  I'm not slim, athletic and would be classed as overweight on the edge of obese, but I can do up my own shoelaces, am taller than round and can see my hose when watering the pineapple chunks, so am not being out of order, it's realistic. sitting at an eating area in a shopping mall (centre - spelt correctly - that's a different issue though) I had ordered a chicken sandwich, the person next to me ordered a burger and fries, the next one ordered 2 double burgers, fries, a burrito and Caesar salad (as if the salad were going to contribute in a positive way), with an extra large coke and a carton of mayonnaise. This made no waves until the person said "actually I'll probably need some more fries as that won't all fill me up." I then turned to be nosy. this man was around 5.7' and I couldn't even guess on his weight, but his stomach looked like a big pink elephant testicle that hung just above his knees below his t-shirt line, which incidentally both his t-shirt, jogging Bottoms (irony) and lunch all contained the same saturated fat contents due to the amount of spillage on them. I then saw this person go over to his table and feast upon the bountiful goods he has purchased, nailing the lot in minutes (admittedly I think I could do the same) but then walking back up to get a milkshake for pudding. mystified by this I wandered at what point will he realise that he is going to be totally ruined by the time he's 40 (I estimate he was about 20) and probably on the verge of keeling over. I then came to the conclusion that it's totally his own fault, there痴 not requirement for that amount of consumption, I personally eat loads, but not every meal so that my stomach stretches that little bit more each time. in the space of about half an hour a number of track suited, belly hangers went up to the various stalls, filled a tray with fried, battered or diabetes inducing foodstuffs and dined in what would be classed as trailer-style. There is no need for this, they do it to themselves, they use the healthcare to sort them out when they break because of it and then carry on as before. I wish that there were easier ways of eating better food, but we're screwed as it's totally true that shite is cheaper than shine. As a footnote, pork scratchings don't count as bad food :)



22nd October 2012

Race marshals

 The newest addition to my rantables is race marshals. Ok I understand they arte there for safety reasons, I get the fact that they are there to keep the race flowing, but they appear to be in the same leagues as referees. I wholly believe that referees do such a job as they want to get back at the people who didn't pick them in the team at school. the major difference is that the latest batch of race marshals I conflicted with were about 16, couldn't legally drive outside of the go-kart track and don't understand that a part of racing includes defending your position on the track!! I'm going round on a semi-decent lap; catch up with the kart in front, which is also held by a slower driver. This gives the opportunity for the kart behind me to catch while we try and navigate the buffoon in front (being lapped) who appears to be towing a caravan, given the speed they are attaining. So we all fly past at a given opportunity and the marshal waves me a blue flag, for the slower driver who caught me up solely due to miss daisy being in the way, to allow to overtake. I expressed my opinion via the medium of sign and don't give way. This is followed by the little scrotum disabling my engine temporarily, allowing the back runner to overtake. I prove my point on the next lap by overtaking the kart again and gesticulating to the marshal that I was wrongly punished. To summarise, leave me alone to race, you spotty moron.


After a recent trip to Paris, I found out a truth, which I previously dismissed as just a bad experience by people. It. turns out that the greater majority of Parisians are actually rude, arrogant spanners. The hotel staff where we stayed were rude and unaccommodating. We asked if there was a bar open near by, this was replied with a shrug and a turn of shoulder. We ask a taxi driver, he has the same reaction. We find some students and they were very helpful. There must be some training Parisians go through when getting a job, which makes them become a bunch of twats. To counter this somewhat, the staff on the euro star, the taxi driver to the venue and the students were ok. The rest were not.


Having a massive rant ready to type down and then getting back to find that I've completely forgotten it!!

The bloke from that African wildlife/vet programme and the D.I Blake TV show (I think)

He痴 just around in TV world to depress and make everyone's night mardy. I am not saying he's been type cast but bloody hell, all he is ever in is a mediocre situation, where nothing major is happening, he acts stressed and then everything turn out fine and is a total waste of time watching. If it's not a wildebeest with a thorn in its foot, or a leopard with an uneven fur pattern, it's him being suspended from his job for a week as a copper, for being a witness to something. Absolute rubbish. I don't know his name, but the long-faced mardy acting stress monkey should break this typecasting non-entertaining toss that he keep appearing in. he's not interesting, not funny and not enjoyable, he's like a dose of meningitis.

Churchill adverts

Surely the advertising standards agency should be investigating those stupid, weak message adverts with that fake oversized puppet dog. Not because of false advertising, solely due to the fact that they are such poor adverts. They are not funny, they are not 'different' they don't stand out or give a point to think of. They are bland middle-England dross. Their attempt at dull slapstick comedy or prop comedy doesn't work, and that Martin Cloones bloke has well and truly fully sold out. In men behaving badly, he was the least funny out of the two, but offered moments of value. Obviously becoming the unfunny doctor in an unsuccessful TV series has taken this skill out of him. He should take his upside-down top lip, stupid puppet co-flop, his boring insurance messages and shove them well and truly up the producer痴 poop-shute!!!


26th March 2012

Whilst slumming it watching the Jeremy Kyle show, I致e noticed an insurgence of a new phrase building up, mainly to do with the DNA tests. The culprit now is the phrase, "It means the world to me" or similar derivatives. Now I was quite happy spotting the uses of "at the end of the day" during my scumming sessions, watching society stoop to all levels of low, but now with this new saying, I'm finding it more annoying that it's previous dominator. The problem I have is that no one using the term actually understands the meaning of it in the first place. Some lad in polyester tracksuit will bound on stage, giving it large about how he loves this child who he doesn稚 think is his, then slate the mother, whilst openly admitting to sleeping with her best mate when she was pregnant with this apple of his eye. He値l then admit to not providing anything for his angel and inform the audience that he's also not bothered bonding, as there's a 50/50 chance (the next new thing) that the kid might not be his. If it actually did mean the world (as he says) then he'd have done a lot more to provide for the child (as the almighty JK informs him to the audiences' delight). bottom line is (or should I have said "at the end of the day") he's done nothing, with minimal effort and he actually means he'll be chuffed for as long as it takes for the first CSA bill to come in.

Public radio stations - they are just as shockingly shite abroad as in England. On a recent visit to another climate, I forgot to take some cd's to play in the hire car, therefore resulting in trying to find a radio station that wasn't either constant accordion songs, polka, chat shows or news 24/7 (apologies for using Americanisms). So there we were, trundling along a peage with a station playing an English song (which bothers me neither way as it's better than listening to local folk music) ' when the highlighting annoyance of these types of station bring forth. Not the adverts' as they have to earn money somehow and provide their mentally reduced presenters with their wages, but the inane slurry, spewing out of the presenters' mouths about the latest topics of the day' then the announcement that the station you池e listening to is 100% music and they don't talk over your favourite songs! (Even my limited understanding of the language picked this up). It is a total lie, in fact it's so much of a lie, it's nearly religious! During a 8 hour round-trip journey, I counted 8 different songs, on a repeat cycle, given each song is about 3 mins long' and repeated (for what we counted) 8 times during the journey,, this gives a total play time of 3.2 hours, leaving 4.8 hours (or 4 hours, 48 minutes for the specific requires out there) of adverts and drivel. The adverts took just over half of this spare time, leaving around 2 hours for the presenters to spew out their self-obsessed crap. But no, there's also the requirement to mention the radio stations' name and how it plays all of your favourite music all the time, total turds!! If they did, then there would be music for an hour, adverts for a minute between each song and the (I refuse to use the word dj as they do very little jockeying with any discs of any type) vocal-prat having very little input. I believe that commercial radio should be changed, or at least sued for their advertising lies!!

Aaand another thing, queues, why the hell do we humans love them? Going anywhere, or doing anything? Best way to start is form a queue. I've become a bit adverse to this conformism now that if on my own, I'll refuse myself the pleasure of joining the queue. I have started enjoying the melee of a bundle, or blind panic. Look for example at a public house, a business which has been successful since the dawn of time gentlemen please! (To keep it in the scope of the topic). The pub has the correct queuing system, horizontally. This way everyone gets a looking at the same time and you can see what's going on. Vertical queuing systems in a place like this wouldn't work as it affords no interaction and would take a perceived longer time to satisfy requirements. So why not apply this to all aspects? Queue for a plane? Get your ticket at a bar and then get straight on, need to sort something out at the bank? Go to the bar and stop being so protective over how much money you have or owe, you can't take it with you when you're dead so why the worry? I urge the government to re-think queuing systems t gives s all a fair crack at being served first, no matter when we arrive at the service point (as long as I'm first)

battery powered technology, how come a battery will last for hours on end, when using a laptop at home, yet once I go away and leave the charger at home, knowing that the battery is at 100%, it immediately decides that the 5 hours life in the office, translates to 30 mins when needed for a hour? Similarly for network access, works fine when working from home, shocking when working from somewhere which has a higher connection speed.

Lastly - congratulations to Bordeaux airport for having the bollocks to charge 3.50 for a bottle of coke

28th June 2011

People in general

Ok not everyone deserves a slap or poke in the eye, but there are an amazing amount of people so thick that they can稚 see the obvious or don稚 deserve to be alive. I only picked up on these because I seem to have watched TV for a longer amount of time than usual recently, now I realise why I don稚 watch it.

Example 1:

Watching Embarrassing Fat Bodies last night (to make myself feel slim) there was a woman on there who had paid for a gastric band to be fitted. She went to Belgium and paid for it privately, then came onto the program to say she didn稚 think it was working properly. She had lost 11 stone at max, but put back on something like 3 stone. The doctor said she壇 arrange to get the band checked that it痴 still working and is in place etc, and then asked about the woman痴 diet. Just after this point I thought 土ou fool, it痴 bloody obvious what痴 caused it and wished that there was a slap button on the telly so I could project a full pimp-hand into her face. She said that, 展ell I generally can稚 eat an apple, but found I can eat chocolate instead, so I drink lots of Latte痴 and hot chocolates. And isn稚 it obvious why you池e putting in on!!!!!!! Stupid woman!!!

Example 2:

Something to do with a baby hospital in Liverpool. Ok so it痴 full of sad stories and babies in intensive care etc. but there was a baby in there who had been in for 3 weeks, they showed you the nurses taking care of it and everything. My instant thought was 僧aybe the mother is ill or not strong enough to do that, but then they said that the mother had gone home and not been in for 10 days. What an un-caring cow. So then they show you her at home, with her other two kids, stating that the hospital is 14 miles away and she can稚 get there, plus there痴 no-one to look after the other two kids, plus another few pathetic excuses that didn稚 hold any weight. The fact that she had 2 mates around there who, to be honest, I wouldn稚 have trusted them either, but then again I wouldn稚 have trusted the mother to look after a packet of fags. This might be just my opinion, but she is a scummy b!tch, if you had a child in intensive care, that was 14 miles away, you壇 walk, crawl or ask someone for a lift to get there. I don稚 care how many pathetic excuses you have. All I can hope is that when social services remove the baby from you and your scabby turd-hole of a flat is that they put it in a home where it値l be treated like a baby, not a revenue stream from child support.

Car Park People

If you park your car within the lines in a car park, open your door and not hit anything either side of you, then obviously you池e either a careful person, or you are a normal individual who isn稚 a f@#king tw@t. If you open your door, using the car next to you to stop it from swinging fully open, not give a toss that you致e dented the car next to you and carry on regardless then you deserve to have your door handles smeared with dog poop. Just saying, if I catch anyone doing it to mine again, be prepared for a smelly dented motor you moron!

People giving problems

If you have a problem, don稚 come to me whinging about it, unless you have at least thought of a solution or have an idea of what you want to be done about it. In fact, don稚 whinge to anyone about anything unless you have a solution. For the previous rants on this issue, shoot the two people I focussed on, and then remove the denty car idiot痴 driving licence. That痴 how it痴 done, not just whinge whinge whinge.

On the bright side, there痴 a willow tree outside my office that looks just like the one in Ice Age 2 that Ellie thinks it痴 her mother.


19th October 2010

Kitchens Direct advert.

Something that痴 annoyed me recently is the Kitchens Direct advert. It痴 never going to be that interesting or a production worthy of Hollywood, but at least put some director skills into it. It痴 a tiny thing to notice and now I wish I hadn稚, but now I have it痴 amazingly poor how this editing and directing shambles could have ever made it onto public television. The miniscule error I am talking about is the start of the ad where generic female house owner walks across her newly fitted perfect kitchen spouting some scripted jizz about how easy / affordable / amazing the new kitchen is. She痴 not naturally walking through the kitchen and happens to mention it, she starts from a standing point and awkwardly heads forth into marketing gumph. There痴 a millisecond of hesitation which gives away the fact that the director thinks it痴 a good thing to show it痴 not it proves that there was a poor script that no imagination could be allowed for interpretation and the director obviously was doing it a) by the book, b) cheaply with no imagination or c) like the little jump up pompous weasel they probably are. If you池e going to advertise something, do it properly, and don稚 leave in production errors. On a lighter note there痴 an advert for some scummy accident claim firm which is quite honest unfortunately the name is easily forgettable so obviously that advert didn稚 work well either. 

Credit card made up charges

I recently got fined 」12 by the credit card company for apparently missing a payment. The phone call went something like this:

R: 的致e been charge 」12 for a missed payment why is this?

CC: 的 can see on your account you paid in late, causing this late payment fine

R: 的 paid in late? I have it set up as a standing order so that it automatically pays on the same date so I don稚 have this trouble

CC: 的 can see that sir, but we have changed the payment due date

R: 迭ight did you inform me of this?

CC: 添es sir I can see that it was informed to you on your statement

R: 溺y statement? I don稚 get statements sent to me I requested on-line statements

CC: 添es sir it would have showed you on the online system

R: 徹k please can you check your records and see how long I致e been requesting access to your online system as I have been unable to log in

CC: 添es sir it shows you have had a problem for the last 4 months logging into the system

R: 鉄o therefore if I cannot log into your system, which has been investigated and agreed that there is a fault at your end, then I can稚 see the notice, cannot action anything and therefore am not liable to pay the fine

CC: 釘ut you did pay late sir

R: No, I paid on time the same time I always have. I don稚 get my wages paid any earlier, so why should I pay you any earlier?

CC: Yes sir, but we did put a notice on your statement

R: 展hich I couldn稚 access could I?

 After a few more reminders to them that they need to sort out their system, I got my 」12 back. Not a big victory but proof that script reading is for brain-dead key-monkeys and that financial institutions continue to do what the f@#k they want!!



20th July 2010

World Cup Throw-Ins 

I値l tell you what痴 been annoying me recently.

Not the world cup itself, that was great, even though I could rant about the pathetic effort made by the England squad.

Not the vuvuzelas, as I thought they added some noise to some games which would have been a silent affair.

Not even the fact that it痴 now over and we have to wait ages (a few weeks) before the new season starts.

I am not happy with the amount of time I watched a professional, world class player, take a thrown in and mess it up, but for the ref to allow it anyway. There are rules about throw-ins, I have seen them! I have been caught once or twice taking a foul-throw. But to watch a whole tournament consisting of at least (to my judgement) 40% of throw-ins to be foul-throws was annoying to say the least. It nearly got to the stage where the throw-in could have been a roll-in and the ref would have allowed it. Rory DeLapp, there痴 how to take a throw-in, ball goes behind head and using both hands, delivers the ball from behind and over his head. It seems that this rule is now stretched to,

Ball goes behind head, over head and placed neatly right to the team member 1 inch away from the thrower who has kneeled down to put the ball on the floor.

Ok the ref痴 made a few mistakes here and there with fouls and balls going over lines, but this one is one that gets punished at even the lowest levels, so how come the pro痴 get away with it?

World cup teams throw it properly, not like a limp-wristed fairy!


6th July 2010

Right then, my Bunkys team-mates,

An apology is required,

Yes I know I was wrong,

I should not have got so fired.

So I write these lines to say I知 fine,

And regret my actions at the time.

Can I add that my harsh words,

Uttered loud and few,
Not sent off because I was wrong,

T蜘as 'cause it痴 bloody true!


8th June 2010

Right then what has wound me up recently. For starters;


That bloody Volvic 14 day challenge advert with that middle-class flop, who has obviously got no friends, failed any sort of education system and is a total pr!ck.

Jimmy, is his name, and he has to drink 1.5 litres of water a day for 14 days so what? Well done mate, you managed to buy something more expensive than petrol and visit the loo more than normal. Enthusiasm is there similar to a child痴 enthusiasm when presenting you with their latest pile of crap painting, or of an American game-show contestant who has just won $5000.

Anyway the phrase that gets me is, 的致e got five minutes off work and yeah I知 gonna have a cheeky Volvic.  No, you are a f@#king bell-end!!!

You can稚 have a 祖heeky Volvic, you can稚 have a 祖heeky anything if it痴 perfectly acceptable and healthy! The meaning of 祖heeky is mischievous, naughty, defiant, not healthy, you idiot. You can have a cheeky water in Scotland as it means to have a quick beer. You can have a cheeky fag, if you致e sneaked out quickly. You can even have a cheeky shag, if you池e round the back of somewhere and you池e that way inclined. What you can稚 do is have a 祖heeky f@#king anything if it痴 on your break, does not offend anyone at all and is basically taking in nothing but H2O!

Bottom line is you are a ponce, with no friends (as they somehow don稚 appear in camera shot in the advert), a crappy job being a waiter in a tiny restaurant, need a haircut and a slap, you all-exited-about-nothing waste of space. 

Britain痴 Got Talent 

Ok it痴 a talent show, so I should expect a bit of junk to appear. This doesn稚 annoy me, rather than amuse. I don稚 get wound up at the people who come on, are totally crap and then complain about the judges. I don稚 even mind the people who turn up and are good. What I知 bored with is 4 things Mediocre dance groups who as many different tunes in 5 second sections, solo dancers who do the same, Michael Jackson impersonators and people with their bloody dogs 租ancing.

Dance groups at least be good at what you do, look different and give some good effect.

Solo dancers you can稚 actually do that much different to what has already been done, so unless you can, then leave it.

MJ impersonators did anyone remember the kiddy fiddling charges? Has everyone forgot that this man was mentally deranged, had chameleon skin and some dodgy ways with young boys?

Dancing dogs ooooh now you池e starting to light a fire of abuse. I shall refrain from most of the descriptive adjectives I would normally use for these flowery, fairy-headed, soppy jockeys of the dandelion-and-burdock-greased sausage! You致e got a dog that you致e trained to do certain things good on ya, I couldn稚 be bothered personally. And you致e managed to incorporate this into a routine, ok this is getting a bit silly, but ok something to show your mates. Now you expect a who load of people to watch you pretending to dance with the dog as if it痴 your partner (which I知 not sure that kind of relationship is legal in this county). You prance around badly, while the dag actually looks better and more co-ordinated than you. It痴 been done before and it was mediocre at best then. Leave it alone, keep it in your little club competitions, don稚 put it on frigging telly. Lassie would sh!t on your doorstep if he/she ever saw it!


30th April 2010

Certain phrases.  


I値l tell you what I知 not happy about at the moment- it痴 the use of certain phrases, which seem to have seeped into the English language from the sewer of phrases.


Number one in the charts is the phrase At the end of the day, right or 羨t the end of the day, yeah during an argument. It痴 the Jeremy Kyle, Trisha, day-time telly痴 world who seem to only be able to make an argumentative sentence by using this phrase when really it was not needed.  For example I quote from an episode today,


添eah well, at the end of the day, yeah, she痴 just a lying cow! Actually what it didn稚 need was any phrase apart from the lying cow bit. Stop using this expression to fill in your limited understanding of the English language and its sentence building properties.


Number two comes in as, 的 was taken aback!  This seems to have made a revival of sorts, which started with Antiques Roadshow types, then filtered down to middle management. For the origins of this phrase, view here:


Actually just stop using it because you were TAKEN BACK, not taken a-back if you literally were taken a back, you are there fore in possession of a back which you are taking, and in theory it is not your own, so f@#king leave it alone!


Number three, is an expression / phrase, actually it痴 an extra word that isn稚 needed yet again. If something has happened, I値l tell you why. Not 的 tell you for why where the hell did the 素or come from? It痴 not needed- you tell someone why their goldfish is dead, you tell someone why their car rolled off a cliff, at what point and for what reason would you 奏ell them for why their gran has died!! Stop adding in extra words to pad out your limited vocabulary!!


31st October 2009

Post office unions-  or unions in general. 

Right then - I'm not having a go as postal workers, I'm having a go at the company Royal Mail and the Union.

Royal Mail has been losing money for years - why? Because it's procedures for handling mail is so antiquated and wastes time and money. It was set up hundreds of years ago and they basic principals still need to apply - a person buys a stamp, puts it on the letter, posts it, it gets delivered to the intended recipient.

What they have great need for change is the bit in between. There is still the need for people to collect the post from the mail boxes, there is still the need for people to deliver the mail, there is still the need for people at the sorting offices to respond to customers and for them to collect parcels, what they don't need is a Big Brother, telling them to stamp their feet and not do any work.

The union rep was on the radio the other day stating that "The union has benefited all of it's members by outlawing bully tactics by other employees, equal rights for all and a safe place to work"  - I did want to call in and say that those things are actual legal requirements, royal mail legally had to enforce those rules, the unions didn't actually do that - all they do is get in a strop, stamp their feet, fold their arms and refuse to do any work -  like a 5 year old would.

We are in the year 2009 and still have to put up with so called union 'leaders' trying to run the country like it is 1970.

The bottom line is - the management run the company, they could always close the business down, sack everyone, create a new business, buy all the sorting gear, premises and assets of the old company and start from a fresh view. They would probably buy machines to make the processes quicker and easier, update the whole system and employ half of the people there is now - it's the way the world works - a job is no longer a job for life - things change - live with it. The whole world of business is one of competition - Royal Mail no longer have a monopoly and some of the others provide better service - so obviously some business will be lost - unless they progress and update themselves.

Some times the sh!t hits you, sometimes it misses and gets the person behind.

One point which puts me on the "just get on with your work" line is that posties are all just sitting in line with what some pompous fool is telling them to do - even if they want to go to work, but they won't actually do what their employer wants them to do - surely the one who pays the wages is more important than the one who fought to get you double quilted toilet paper?

We now have email, internet, mobile phones and all sorts of new ways to make our lives more convenient, but the Unions are trying to make Royal Mail drag their feet so much that they eventually will end up closing down and taking the tax payers money with them (due to so many government funds being wasted on keeping them in the 70's).

I also believe that the heads of business of Royal Mail aren't helping the situation, but that's another rant (even still - If anyone else was in a meeting for days on end and hadn't got even a minor resolution for any part of it - they would be reprimanded).

Anyway - get back to work and bring me my unfathomable amount of junk mail I've been missing so much! I have to work so why aren't you??

Marlon King

What a pillock

1 Day

The film called 1Day is not being shown in Odeon and Cineworld Cinemas - the reason for this? It is a film about Birmingham gangs and a story of the happenings. From what I heard on the radio - it sounds pretty awful - when rival gangs are confronting each other they use Grime and Rap before they kick off - just like in real life (not). The cinemas refused to show it following "advice from West Midlands Police" who were quoted as saying that it would cause trouble.

Ok how easily influenced are teenagers - bearing in mind the film is a 15 certificate so isn't exactly a shoot-em drugs fest with gratuitous fit nude birds thrown in? Since when did the majority of kids watch one film and do exactly as they do? Ok so in America (bearing in mind that probably a fair few million people saw the film) one or two loons thought they were from the Matrix, but that's different, because I believe kids aren't actually that easily influenced and dim. Yeah they'll follow some silly fashions and bad music, but just because they see one film about gangs, they're gonna go hell for leather and shoot everyone so they can get a black Lexus seems a bit far fetched and, to be honest, the pathetic view of some do-gooder who's never actually been out and experienced life from a normal point of view.

Show the film - it's not gonna cause riots and the apocalypse - although what you could do is cut out some of the stupid talk like "ya get mi" and "wiv it bruv" or any use of the word 'bear' / 'bare' instead of it's properly described use within the Collins English Dictionary (ie the sentence "It's bear-hard to suss" ) etc etc


1st September 2009

Is it the beer or is it the football? - The Experiment

Experiment Report:  

To determine that if I didn't drink beer or Brandy, I would lose a bit of weight.  


I predict that this may have some truth to it, but also could depend on a lot of variables within the experiment.

Or it could be a total waste of time.  

Procedure :

I gave up drinking any alcoholic beverages for the space of 35 days. To enforce this ruling If I went out, I drove everywhere and instead of beer or brandy - I had soft-drinks.

I measured my weight at various stages during the day to get an average weight for that day, plus to pad out the graph to make it look a bit more scientific.  


The graph below shows the fluctuations in my weight during the testing period. Nice isn't it.  

Observations, Calculations & Interpretations:

I observed that in public the more people drink, the more b0ll0cks they talk and the louder they become. There is also a stage in the night where everyone suddenly hits a drunk barrier and seems to amplify these effects.  


The results from this experiment proved that it was a waste of time. There was no significant difference in weight gain/loss and financially it was no different.

On the other hand, a few things to notice next time you are out:

1 - The publicans may have noticed the drunk barrier phenomenon and could indeed cash in on it - with the use of tactics such as turning up the heating, putting salty snacks around and choice songs from the jukebox.
2 - There is also no change of getting a p!55-head to be able to do complex calculations, or refrain from singing.

3 - In more private surroundings it was observed that the drunk person's reactions become gradually worse and proved that they are indeed a load of pants at Fifa 2009!

4 - It's more fun being out on the p!55 than driving fools around.


1st September 2009


Right let's get this clear, tracksuits - the clue is in their name. They are for wearing on the way to, on the way back from, around or in the vicinity of - hold on - a running track, or similar sports activity, where even slight exertion may be required. What they aren't for is appearing on Jeremy Kyle, for waddling around Nettos or to wear whilst stomping down the street, shouting at your kids who apparently, by your own admission, have questionable parentages. Tracksuits also were designed to give athletes some sort of body cooling, which are built-in to the fabric or have special vents within it's designs. The tracksuits which pretend to be sporty are nothing more than towels, sewn together with a logo badly stitched to the back of the hoodie section (the hoodie - a different rant) stating that the owner is either a "Gold-Digga", "Pineapple" or some other "sick" label. Another issue with tracksuits, is that generally, with the exception of Sumo wrestlers, Darts players and Shot putters, they are designed for sports people who are athletically built, or aspire to be athletically built. If you are a big wobbly mess with greasy hair, cake residue still clinging onto your mouth area, a couple of chins and instead of a belly being where a belly should be, there appears to be a couple of inner tubes, you really should not try to pretend you are doing any sport, or in fact wear any sporting gear! If you have no intention of using something for it's intended purpose than don't bother getting it in the first place. You don't see people going to the shops to buy a javelin, "just in case" or people buying lycra cycling shorts "because they are comfy to lounge around in" so either get off your fat ar5e and do some running or stop insulting people by pretending you could actually do more exercise than just picking up a remote control!!!


22nd May 2009

Right a new season a new load of complaints to have. I'm going to start on a subject that probably only involves me and my annoyance-  Adverts.

Coca-cola Radio Advert.

I hate this with a passion - the stupid idea that someone orders a meal just to have a coke with it - You just don't, never have or never will. Although coke as a drink is ok - it's not a great subject for a radio advert. And the noise they have decided to use - the pouring into a glass of ice simulated noise. I hate it with a passion - all it reminds me of is all the times I've poured drinks when it gets an airlock and then glugs the drink over the counter! There's another hatred of mine (nearly an OCD)!!!

Citro駭 Van advert.

I think it's a Citroen advert - might be wrong - after hearing it a couple of times I got wound up and kept turning it over. "Here comes Bob, There goes Bob" well obviously Bob is f@#@ing the load off round the corner isn't he!!!!

Skills Centre

And another one that痴 really annoying is the Skills Centre. Two blokes Gary and Tony, who worked on-site 3 years ago but obviously didn稚 speak much to each other while working together. 展here did you go? Tony asks who fekkin cares If you haven稚 bothered to contact each other then why should you give a toss?!?!? 展orking AND doing the course?! Tony says in a state of amazement, well obviously after an 8 hour shift there痴 not enough time left in the day for Tony to do anything other than watch telly whilst munching pies!!!

Anyway, Gary give Tony a bit of card (cuz he obviously can稚 remember the name of a place he痴 just been told) and the part company again without saying goodbye, proving that Gary once again couldn稚 care less about Tony and neither do I. That advert grates my brain because of its fake, annoying, amazement at minor achievement. Gary stick you池e 的知 my own boss now up your backside and Tony, get back to Jeremy Kyle and your Steak and Kidneys!!!! 

Media Stirrers & Newcastle United

And what痴 with the media trying to stir things up in football. There was a report which says that Newcastle United might sue Manchester United if we don稚 put out our full team against Hull. This is because there is a clause in the Premiership League contract that states we have to send out a full-strength team. What it doesn稚 say is that we have to field our strongest / best team. Manchester have a full 3 days recovery until the European Cup Final, which is more important to Manchester United? European Cup Final or beating Hull when United are already the title winners for this year?!?!?!

Now if United did field their best team and lost against Hull, does that mean Newcastle would still sue, saying they didn稚 play good enough? If Newcastle sued Manchester, couldn稚 Manchester counter-sue saying that Newcastle have fielded a sub-standard team all season, hence why they are in the bottom few, plus then go on to sue the rest of the relegation-battle teams!

Of course some players will be rested or 創ot match fit for the last game, just because they are supposedly a big team doesn稚 mean they have a divine right to be in the Premiership, you have to play 38 games and get enough points to do that. Have a look at Stoke and see how it痴 done. Not pretty, not flash, but job done.

Sheffield United managed to sue West Ham, but that was a different situation and shouldn稚 have counted anyway if Manchester win or lose Newcastle deserve relegation.

If this is just media hype, then, at the risk of repeating myself, Newcastle deserve relegation. (see 14th November 2008 rant)

Pansy Gig Attendees / Performers

I recently went to a gig where The Prodigy were performing; being a pure gentleman of sophistication I ordered seated tickets. The hotel we stayed at was adequate, the pubs we went to before were ok and getting into the venue and to the seats was fine. The support act, however, was the first turning point of the night. After a few beers (served in 2pint glasses brilliant idea I commend the NIA) Dizzy Rascal came on. His name doesn稚 really reflect his actual personage, Whiney Woosey would be more accurate. After spouting out about ten minutes of incomprehensible wannabe gangster cockney gibberish, the music stopped and the announcement made, 撤lease can you stop throwing glow-sticks at me. Very 践ood mate, very gangster. Looking at the stage I noticed a couple getting thrown every now and then, followed by a few plastic cups and another 鉄top, stop, stop. At this point I gave my opinion of this by standing up and voicing that he may be a slight sensitive. The lads to my left found this most amusing, whilst, of the couple on my right the bloke chuckled and the female was decidedly not happy. After a few beers later the main attraction came on, the crowd roared, the music blared, everyone stood up and the female of the couple to our right went to the lobby. Well a lot of music was played and everyone was enjoying it, then a break was needed. Everyone piled into the lobby for beer and loo. And there she was, sitting on her own in the corridor, her bloke came down to see her, 的 don稚 like this music was her first words. Minding my own business and trying not to giggle I made my way for more beer and back to the seats.

Within a song or two, the couple were back in the room, I thought he壇 persuaded her to come back, but only for one more song and they had left the building no problems, more room for us. My rant about this would be, 的f you don稚 like the music then why did you come in the f@#king first place?!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!

He should have brought a mate with him instead.

Recycled Emails

Now that nearly everyone has email at work and home etc, surely there should be a special force that makes sure that old joke emails are forever deleted, to save the time wasted by people receiving them or sending them on. Now I have to admit, most of the age-old emails are always sent from a few people (how can I put this) who are my elders. But as much as I tell them, yet again I get the same pictures I sent them three years ago, the same stories about the Murphy Twins, and the same ones about golfers, genies and Little Johnny. It痴 hard to tell people to stop sending junk and think about it first 塗as this person already had this? Is this joke older than Mount Vesuvius?

If an email is brilliant, then yes- forward it on, if it痴 a joke that you seem to recall Mike Reid telling back in the 70痴 then I致e probably been sent it 20 times already, so don稚 bother!!!

Big Up!!!! a little diversion from my ranting

Big up to my mates professing Nope I ain稚 getting drunk and dancing on the table and then the hardest part was getting them down.

Big up to 添ou致e Been Framed after a couple of bevvies, because it痴 funny watching fat, old people falling over.

Big up to nut-megging Swinners cuz it痴 too easy.

People to be thrown into the Dungeon of Slaps

Rafa Benitez at the end of the season you are wrong and all your whineing proved nothing, apart from you were wrong.

Rafa Benitez for being so bitter and not being able to congratulate Ferguson.

Rafa Benitez for complaining about everything

Rafa Benitez is just (and I quote) A Fat Spanish Waiter.


19th February 2009


Well, what shall I go on about this time? Should I have a go at the government? Should I have a go at the Fat Cats in the city for ruining Britain痴 economy? Should I go on about the banks failing to actually do a job and still getting paid bonuses? Should I rant about recruitment agencies where the agents can稚 actually be bothered?

Nope, I知 going to rant about the people and the weather.

You may have noticed it snowed the other week, not just a little, about 6 inches worth (be honest it wasn稚 a foot or anything the settled snow on the back garden path was about 6 inches), but it managed to bring the south to a sliding halt! Let痴 look at what happened. One night there was a snowfall, it turned everywhere white and made the roads a bit slippy, so the obvious action for any motorist would be to drive more carefully and make purposeful, not jerky movements. This seemed to elude certain members of the road going public, but that wasn稚 too bad. The next day it properly dropped down, this showed up a lot of faults with people. Some didn稚 turn up for work because they were 鉄nowed In, I can稚 see how because last time I saw the snow was only a couple of inches deep and that痴 never been enough to stop a 1tonne car from driving. Then again it snowed. This time it was to sort out who actually knew what they were doing. I had to put up with people in 4x4痴 not going to work because of the weather what痴 the point in having a 4 wheel drive motor if you aren稚 going to use it. Admittedly if you are sliding because you slammed the brakes on, then yes it痴 the same as any other car, but, if you say you can稚 drive anywhere and you own one of these then you are a wet flannel. I don稚 own a 4x4 I own a front wheel drive estate not good at adverse weathers, but still I managed to get in without smashing into anything, panicking, having to call out the emergency services or being worried about the snow falling. All I had concerns about is the idiots driving along at normal speeds, with the snow falling heavily, in white cars, with their lights not on. Why not paint the tyres white for a bit more camouflage???? Then I get to a road where some fool driver in a 1 series BMW has managed to wedge himself sideways across the road. Bearing in mind this is a straight road, with new snow all I can summise is that he was a prat. Then the abandoned cars pathetic on a straight dual carriageway main road where one lane was pure snow and the other was slush. Why abandon your car? Just take it carefully!

Ok so there was an email from HR informing everyone to go home due to the weather. No complaints about that but it amazes me to think there were people in purpose built vehicles not using them for what they were supposedly designed for!!

Chelsea Taxis!! Tarts!

20th January 2009

Text speak in email or letters.

Now text-talk is fine when texting items like 田 u l8r or 努tf r u up 2 acceptable because if you can稚 use predictive text, it takes less time and requires less brain power (unless you池e at the other end trying to decipher it).

What it is not good for is when writing emails (with the exception of the ones I use, because I say it痴 ok!!!) and gives the impression that the email is written by a 15 year old spotty chav with a matching tracksuit and Kappa trainers. You are writing an email and at the speed most people type, then putting in the proper word will not slow them down by too much, maybe a fraction of a second!?!

Admittedly I make the odd mistake with spelling or grammar, but it seems to be a deliberate attempt at being as wrong as possible. Fair enough, include little x痴 at the end or some little logos to express your feelings (known as emoticons for those of you over 35), but please at least, if using the word 奏hat spell it properly, it痴 only one press extra on the keyboard, it痴 a little press that your right hand can deal with and one of the letters is repeated so in theory (according to your style of maths probably) it is the same amount of letters.

Below are a few examples from one of those silly chain emails I got sent (one to save the seals which showed a few of the being clubbed than the gratuitous big eyes shot of a seal pup just to get the hearts squishy);

2. Melita plz help!!! Not really acceptable.
6. Amelia how crule do people get in this world? plz help hese poor animalsxx Spelling poor and using the 匝x at the end to prove she痴 female.
7. Cazza- i cant believe wht some people would do Why not just spell 層hat properly???
65. Lucie..OMFG, Wot Thaa Hell Do Th!ose Idiots Fink They r Doing? You can already picture this person, black matching tracksuit, big bangle earrings, hair slicked back into pony tail (a l Leicester facelift) leaning up against a bus stop smiking a lambert & butler) culd ppl do tht 2 dem wot have they done 2 us !!!!:'( This poor attempt at adding comment just proved to confirm the fact that the next generation coming up really are going to have a few dim ones amongst them, who will constantly end their sentences with the word 訴nnit that do this are bluddy sick If you池e going to make a point, make sure the emphasised (if not somewhat ironic) word is spelt correctly.
85.Jadeyy Partonn, Stop animal crueltyy Not Nicee ! ! ! :'( x o Yes use those double letters as if you have a slur
86. Rosieee Ward </3 Meannn peopless :'( xx As above but with a different accent and an emoticon in a pointy hat??
88. DevonMorgan, How Meen Can You Get :'( Hmmm doesn稚 that spelling of the word actually refer to a Breton saint, an Indian film or meaning 'fish' in Tamil?
91.Abbie Grinsell(thats disgusting)Im ashamed to be a human Yes, I bet you are.
96.Olly Chubb wat sort! of guy is he to do dat???! 1 wat cn probly spell betr dan dat
98. GAZ b omg hu would da 2 a cute icle seal What a wet flannel of a person this one is!
103. natasha xx stop it its mining xx plz sign ur name xx Not sure what clubbing seals has to do with digging underground for items such as coal and diamonds?
104. ♥hannah♥ please forward this. . .it takes two minuets of your time but it could save two decades of theirs . . . how can you not send this on ??? if you dont then these images will be playing on
your mind for quite a long time i guess x x x i trust you ! ! !
I like this one, not only will it only take two musical notations of your time, but she trusts us too.
I beg to differ. I am not the murderer. To be the murderer in the eyes of the law, I would have had something to do with the actual deed. I neither asked them, hired them or persuaded them to do it.
110. Megan :( Omg :( Speechless :(
111.Kate.....utterly speechless...:( !
But by both stating that fact, then they are not actually speechless.
117.Richard Heritage they lukd soo cute how cud they Another flannel
! 118.sam townsend! MAT DAMON! (for those who have seen Team America)
119. Ashleigh Sullivan - i cant believe they did that, seals = cute people = EVIL Ashleigh Sullivan = bell end

As you can see from this simple example - even the simples of tasks has turned into an English teachers nightmare. I would even go so far as to say that not even Shakespeare himself wrote such a load of bollocks. 

Seasides What has happened to them?

I know a lot of things were much better when I was a child, because of a few points:

I didn稚 have to work, so everything to me was 素ree

I hadn稚 seen anything bigger or better so it was amazing

The sea didn稚 contain discarded condoms or used bog roll

Candy floss was an amazing pink cloud of sweetiness

I didn稚 have to research before for hotels and parking spaces etc

I didn稚 have to think about what to pack and what to leave behind

I didn稚 have to think about whether that bucket and spade really are worth 」10 and why the set we bought last year had disappeared

I didn稚 see the old people sitting on the front and realise I知 closer to that stage than ever before.

But now they seem to have been stuck in the last century. Admittedly they all have the same theme arcades, arcades, arcades, pub, theme pub, greasy caf, arcade, rock shop, gift shop, pier, arcades, B&B, arcades ad maybe the odd 組entlemans club slung in on the end.

They used to be colourful loud exciting places full of stuff to do and right on the edge of the most natural playground the beach. There were smelly donkeys for kids to ride 5 yards at 1mph with miserable faces, there were deckchair hire people (who were shooting up in the huts during their breaks), there was sand going on for miles - without a hint of dog shite or raw sewage clumps, there was the sea. The sea went on for ever, you were allowed to go out in it, splash about and generally be a kid. Now it痴 been restricted, you can稚 swim here, or there, you can稚 go out more than ankle deep, you have to wear armbands up to the age of 15 and you aren稚 allowed ball games. What a load of old rubbish. Back in the days (I hate using that phrase cuz it seems like a century ago) we were sent out running into the sea (of course running is banned now too, along with petting), straight into the unknown to splash face first into the water as a wave hits us with a bit more force than we anticipated. We would pop back up out of the water, spit out a load of sea water, blow snot out and carry on. There was non of this, crying because our head went under, panic because our armbands might be going a little bit flat or scream because the waves splashed them. Bloody bubble-wrapped generation! Things have changed, it used to be ok to snorkel along the happily taking in a bit of salt water and being unable to see anything as it was a bit murky and the sand was moving around, now when you do that, you emerge from your snorkelling session, having not even seen the sea bed (even tho you were only 2 feet away from it), and with a sheet of used bog roll on the top of your snorkel, like a flag from the great principality of Shitville and a condom fish stuck on your back. Then there was the walk back up the beach, where you壇 walk along, kicking sand everywhere, oblivious to sunbathers who were now getting it glued to them due to being smeared in copious amount of suncream like a basted chicken. This is a dodgy territory now, as kicking a bit of sand might reveal and let fly of, a big lump of dog痴 leavings, which can nearly be guaranteed for it to land on the beach beastie, who痴 been trying to perfect a summer burn (serves him right anyway).

And what is it with sun-tans? Is it to prove you致e been on holiday? Well you can do that ust by telling people or you could even wear a 的致e been to Benidorm t-shirt all the time it痴 just as subtle. I see no benefit in getting a sun tan unless skin cancer, prickly heat or sun stroke are a favourite diversion for you. Sitting down or lying down on a beach getting a tan is such a boring waste of time, even if there is a bit of perving to be done, after a certain amount of time, this can wear thin (and is a bad idea if you池e wearing swim shorts or, for some insanely stupid 80痴 reason, trunks) after a while and just ends up being dull. If you manage to break through the boredom barrier, there is the risk of falling asleep, which brings you back to the prickly heat / sun stroke scenario. Incidental tans are ok though, if you work outside or have been on holiday, just doing your own thing and happen to catch the sun that is fine, trying to look like a roast chicken is silly. 的t痴 relaxing no it isn稚 it痴 a boring waste of time and makes you look like a load of elephant seals (would that be a shoal, a pride or a blubber of elephant seals?

If you amazingly by chance or by sheer determination, manage to either get a hired parasol, or bring your own to cover you from frying, then you have the mission of having to move it every 10 mins or re-position it as the sun moves and it keeps falling over, due to the lightest breeze or some little shite kicking his ball at it.

Then there痴 the question of 努ho ever thought it a good idea to take a coolbox to the beach so you can have a picnic? There痴 very little which is less appetising or appealing than having a manky, mildly warm, sweating, floppy cheese sandwich with grains of the beach lightly sprinkled on its edges. No matter how hard you try, you aren稚 going to be able to eat at a beach without a bit of silicon garnish.

I知 not even going to mention my feelings about the following;

Beach sellers, Ice Cream vendors on the beach, wasps, posers, attention seeking birds, huge ants or them other little weird beach creatures that crawl, jump and hop about.

What I always find amazing is that, no matter where I am, no matter what beach in the world I end up being forced to be at, there is always that old bloke swimming up and down the coast line, with his goggles and (more often than now) blue swimming cap. Why does he do this? He痴 there everywhere same stroke, same speed, up and down the coastline. He痴 about 70, so he痴 obviously a retired lifeguard or sommat, still up for showing off to the ladies. He痴 got an incidental tan well semi-incidental as he痴 spent all his time swimming he just happens to have been out in the sun all year. And how come when he gets out of the water, it痴 like he痴 just been paddling and isn稚 knackered at all?

I have kind of veered off to foreign holidays but now will go back to the Brit coast.

Piers - once a great institution of a coastal town / city / resort. On each pier were such great buildings of grandure, such as a playhouse, an arcade, a bingo hall, a helter skelter and a rollercoaster.

Not quite sure about the point of making a theatre out 200 yards into the sea - unless it was just people during the industrial revolution showing off and not predicting that the teens of the future would find them extremely useful items to train their arson skills. But build them they did and had such great acts as the classic comedians of the day, variety shows and all sorts of other turd that the holiday public pretended to love. Now the theme still runs but the big names have been replaced with such jockeys as the Chuckle Brothers or Brian Connelly (ah! dungeon of slaps for this w@nker), giving their greatest performance every night to a packed house of 30 people, who are all contemplating asking for their money back.

The bingo hall well it痴 full of old people or people who have a tendancy to like wearing full towelling tracksuits, people who seem to smoke a lot and people who use 10w40 to wash their hair. Old people fair enough, enjoy your bingo game, the rest surely you have better things to do, and stop checking out who痴 won so that you can mug them!!

Arcade 鄭ll the latest games is the basic message of the bill boards, what it should read is 鄭ll the games that the other arcades have discarded as they are too old or have half the bulbs out on them There slider ones where you drop a 2p in, it bounces around a bit then lands on a pile of 2p痴 which seem to be glues on. If you池e lucky, after putting about 」2 worth of 2p痴 in, you値l win 4p back. Not the best investment return ever offered. Or there痴 the 5p fruit machines, with a jackpot payout of 」3 amazing, how can they afford to risk it!?!? Well having a go on one of these is a new experience which has to be adored. Not only are the machines slightly worn the reels don稚 line up correctly, the start button is sticky and half of the bulbs seem to have given up all hope. You put your money in to be thrilled to see the reels spin, the first stops on a cherry, then second on a cherry, then the third bounces to a halt half way between a pear and a silly cartoon character (presumably some significance to the theme of the machine). It痴 like a dream come true, dimly flashing lights to give an atmosphere, the thrill of the spinning reels and the joy and pressure of the 10p repeater. Or it could be worse you could be sitting on the beach in a gale force wind.

Helter skelter the older I get the less point these seem to have. I can稚 even start on my lack of enthusiasm for these.

Rollercoaster ok, so you池e 200 yards out into the sea, unknowing on how deep the water is. You are basically standing on an iron structure in salt water, which has rickety wooden slats as a flooring. Iron isn稚 known to be the most rust-resistant material, and salt-water is quite a caustic mix for rusting, so that, added with untreated wood beams (because wood will never rot, or wear) is a perfect platform for a 素ast, 粗xciting, 奏hrilling ride. Rollercoasters are meant to be designed to give the rider a thrill, whilst being perfectly safe. Safe only if they are mounted securely and the secure mounting is not a rust-ridden, woodworm infected floored, 200 yards out to sea bit of rickety scaffolding!!!!!

I値l save the rest of the beach rant for another time


4th December 2008

Getting older, slippers, keys and stuff

What is it with getting older that changes a person so much? Personally I haven稚 gone through many of the changes yet but I can see them coming and are helpless to avoid them. Suddenly when a person hit a certain age, they have a liking for slippers. Now I am the person furthest away from ever wearing slippers or house shoes. It痴 trainers all the way for me, but there appears to be a love of slippers throughout the UK. They are annoying, they are stupid looking, serve no extra value over wearing trainers and frankly, make you look old. Who ever thought wearing fluffy / tartan / Simpson / novelty items made from sponge and fluff on your feet would be a good idea- basically you are now a bit more of a fire hazard than before you started wearing these annoying cushioned plimsolls.

As I致e grown older, an annoying collection of keys has built up, half of which I don稚 know what are for, the other half I am so scared of losing, I have to keep other things attached to them so it make them harder to lose. The end result being a pocket full of metal, weighing in at a kilo, with an array of trinkets and shiny things that a gyppo would be proud to have attached to their Elizabeth Duke stolen rope necklace. There is no need for all these lock-operating instruments, but the day I discard any one of them, the need for its usage will guaranteed to come to light. In my childhood days, I lost a house key, whilst running home from school, happily swinging the key around on it痴 key ring, it flew off and (in accordance with the level of luck I have been allocated through my whole life) entered a drain, perfectly, without even touching the side and making a little clink noise as if to say 砥p yours. All I could see was a key disappearing into the scummy muddy stuff that drains seemed to populate. It happened to me then and it didn稚 seem a big thing. If I lose them now, the skies would open and one of the horsemen of the apocalypse would come and take me away to a land where I have to spend the rest of my day putting charms into those stupid 舛rocs shoes.

And as age sets in, where does the love of easy listening music come from? Unfortunately I have to admit I do have a liking for certain easy listening songs, but then again very few people are happy when I知 listening to happy hardcore whilst driving. I can稚 stand some of the tripe that is rammed into my ears when an oldie is trundling along though. Neil Diamond (apart from Sweet Caroline cracking drunken song), Roy Orbison, Leonard Cohen, Carpenters, bloody radio 2, 3, 4 and Classic FM load of tripe. I知 not sure where easy listening comes from but I find it hard to listen to very easily. I now have a bad feeling that some of the Hed Kandi chill-out albums are actually the new-age easy listening genre in which case I知 hitting a certain age sh!te!

Hair! Now what痴 that about? Born with hardly any, grow older, become a hippy, then as the hair falls out your head it seems to stick and take root in your back, chest, rear end, ears, nose and any other place that hair doesn稚 seem so appealing. Why does nose hair have to grow so long, when I was younger it didn稚 grow outside of the confines of my nostrils, now it痴 trying to see the light. Fortunately I知 young enough to notice this and get the buggers before they escape, but once a certain age is reached, it seems acceptable for them to flow and even join together across the filtrum, like a nasal beard. Ear hair is another thing that痴 not high in the 的 find attractive list by women, but yet it still gives it some effort from some people, oblivious to the bonsai garden erupting from their wing-nuts. Some times I知 glad I cut my hair short now, because, apart from hiding my low-tide hairline, it saves me from having to style it like these tarts that look like they just woke up or are related to chickens.

Fashion sense to be honest this has been done so many times I can稚 even start to go into it, apart from coats. Very rarely will you see a young (or youngish) couple walking along wearing matching coats (unless they were complete geeks at school). It痴 a phenomenon in which recently retired people seem to embrace. And embrace it with badly fitting, badly designed, cheap, loud coloured pieced of man-made materials they do, looking like a married couple from Sesame Street. Walking along (or rambling as some of the extremists call it) holding hands or a stick each, looking at the British countryside in the wind, rain and cold of a weekend, remarking on how lovely the view is, how tall the lighthouse is or how cold it is and how they can稚 wait for 殿 nice cup of tea from the flask in the car.

Flasks! Blimey, either used for kids at first school to put orange / blackcurrant in or just-retired people to have tea or weak soup in. and they never look right. Who ever decided it would be a nice holiday thing to do, sitting in a car, near the edge of a cliff or beach, shivering whilst trying to pour barely flavoured water into a plastic cup full of grains of sand and grit from the floor of the car boot. Then they do that thing where they take a sip and make that 殿aahhhhh noise, comment on how 鼠ovely it is to have a 層arm cuppa. If it痴 that good stay at home and have one!!!

Old people at the seaside! They love it don稚 they! Like it痴 a new thing to go there! I知 sure everyone over the age of 50 in this kingdom has been to every coastal beach there is available in the UK. They go there for 僧ystery tours, for weekends, weeks or even to retire, and why? To sit on the promenade (I hate that word, along with pelmet, feature wall and lace), legs akimbo, looking at the sea, complaining about all and sundry. I can emphasise the facing the sea setting the world to rights (with a can containing fermented vegetable drinks), but do they all have to wear the same type duffle coat thingy with big buttons and one of them round kind of hat that looks like a tea-cosy? And it always makes me laugh that they clamber on the seaside 奏rain (which is actually a small diesel engine novelty car with wood screwed into it to make it look like a train) for a trip along the sea front, only to end up staring at people walking and looking generally miserable. It痴 genius. Then not only have the ability to look ridiculous, like they are on a children痴 ride, but to frown with such skill that their wrinkles double and become a whole shipment of Pug dogs.

Sea sides aren稚 what they used to be either. But I値l have a go at them another time!!!!


14th November 2008

Kind of a rant, but more of a Robservation - How I see it: The Premier League as it stands.

1 Chelsea - It is good to see Scolari taking a loss from a lower league team with such humility. It's time Chelsea fans realised that they haven't won everything and can't win everything - take a note from your new manager. And does Drogba always have to go throwing his money around? 

2 Liverpool - Felling the strain now you're owners hate each other? Never mind - go and ring a few cars - they'll fetch you enough funds to buy the shares back. 

3 Arsenal - Arsene Wenger is off on one again - is he ever going to be happy to see football being played as the rule book states? With tackles, throw-ins and all sorts of other parts of a CONTACT sport thrown in? oh no, sorry - we're not allowed to touch his players because they are all under 12 and need a wee if someone gets too close. Why don't they just play "throw the beanbag into the bucket" instead! 

4 Man Utd - we're not doing as well as I thought but it could be worse. 

5 Aston Villa - doing surprisingly well to be honest. Looks like they'll have a good season - even if Martin is off his head.

6 Hull - WTF are they doing here? Did all the flooding suddenly mutate them into footballers? Give it another season to see them relegated. 

7 Everton - Doing pretty well too. Although I heard they are starting a new band up "Moyes II Men"

8 Middlesbrough - Gareth Southgate - what a handsome fella - and fitting for such an awesome team - these should be relegated just for having the nuance to stay in the prem. Ave attendance of 1,200 isn't good enough!

9 Portsmouth - Tony Adams should really take a note from Harry and leave this place quickly before he ends up with the key to the city.

10 Fulham - Jimmy Bullard and Andy (Beckham look-a-like) Johnson hold this team together, still a load of pants tho.

11 Bolton - Megson will be fired soon, it must be something about the Reebok stadium that requires the home team to field 9 defenders. 

12 Stoke - I have no complaints about this team - hard challenging, full effort and a bloke who can take throw-ins like Jenna Jameson takes love-lengths. Hard and fast. I especially like this team due to them making Wenger cry after they got a few players injured. 

13 Man City - All the money in the world-  and not an ounce of success. Hughes - leave them - Mourinho will come in, be creamed on and ruin them. 

14 West Ham - I actually think XL shut down, not because of going into administration, just to dodge being sponsors of this mediocre, dull and dreary team.  

15 Blackburn - Not a nice place. 

16 Tottenham - Harry Redknapp - what has he given the Spurs team? Has he threatened to sleep with them if they don't win? To hear Liverpool fans saying that they had a weakened team out which is why they got beat (twice in a row) makes me laugh - it's still a Liverpool team - no matter if there is a load of youngsters there - it's the team that the manager thought would win the game. 

17 Wigan - What have you done with Emile Heskey? He plays for England and suddenly he re-gains form. Is it the joy of not having to play in a place it rains every day? 

18 Newcastle - HA HA HA HA HA I hope you get relegated. 

19 Sunderland - Come on Keano - you should know by now that winning is what you're about. Kenwyn Jones got compared to a bad Kanu the other day. Actually I'm thinking more of a Jason Lee.  

20 West Brom - Bit obvious wasn't it.

5th August 2008

England Games

This rant was suggested by Karl, so in his behalf I shall complain...

Why are the national team game held on Setanta or Sky? How come the national team isn't playing on national telly where we've paid for the licence to watch and should be having programmes we want to watch? Doesn't Sky and Setanta give the FA enough money to live on? Are they so strapped for cash that any international games have to be pay-per-view? And besides, all of the England games since we were beaten in the world cup in Japan have been dull, lifeless boring and frankly embarrassing. To think that the premiership is classed as the best league in the world (probably only by which ever station is broadcasting it) and we can only supply a half-hearted team that is now probably ranked 30th in the world. If the new breed of England players looked back over games, they would find out why it's important to wear an England shirt and put some effort in. Players like Pearce, Robson, Adams and Sheringham would never let their players go at half pace, they would be kicking their backsides to put more effort in! Now a days there's only a couple worthy of an England shirt - and from a totally bias point of view, certain ones should be ditched as they are well above their station and apparently bigger than England (Lampard, Gerrard, James, Ashley Cole).

Either put some effort in or retire from international duty - and while you're at it - BBC, put some effort in acquiring the games!

Big Brother

Thanks f@#k for that - another few weeks load of TV tripe has finished. "I know, what we'll do is put a dozen idiots in a house and watch them" was the general idea of the show and how big has it become! Showing that the world is full of TV mush-heads actually watching this junk, where the idiots inside the house do very little apart from argue, cook, sit in the garden and prove that the general public;

a)       have money to waste on premium rate calls to vote who leaves a house

b)       will watch anything that is advertised enough

c)       believe they enjoy it because some over-hyped presenter is on it

d)       have so little going on, they sit in their living rooms watching people sitting in a living room.

The show has only managed to produce a few H-list celebrities, some singers who go to number 156 in the charts and a load of people who now turn up to open supermarkets or local swimming pools. Well done, you all got your 15 mins of fame and what a bunch of tw@ts you made yourself look. 

People to be thrown into the corridor of back-hand bitch-slaps 

Kevin Keegan - Has the career morals of Jim Royal. Learn to put up with the bosses you muppet.

The Geordie on 5-Live who when asked, "Do you think that Kevin Keegan is a quitter?" he replied "Kevin is definitely not a quitter" (after he quit the Newcastle job).

Steve McLaren - Summed up by the radio 5 commentator being in stitches as Steve conducted an interview and put on a poor Dutch accent. 

New rule - your shout!!!! 

Give me a rant and I'll edit it - or give me something to complain about and I'll give it a go!!!! Its all about getting the viewer involved (any poor requests will be ignored)

5th August 2008


This one has probably been done a million times now, but I'll carry on regardless. And here it is again - crappy weather during summer. Understandable England is located quite a way up from the equator, but it doesn't justify the toss weather we have here. What happens is that every Monday the sun is out, the skies go blue and the heat turns up. As you go through the week the weather stays the same, right up until 4pm on Friday, when it tips down, the wind blows and puts a right crapper on the weekend. So the 2 out of 7 days we have to enjoy ourselves, are totally dumped on because you get soaked, blown about or generally treated badly by the weather system. What I propose is that we move the week forward (or backward) 2 days. Then Saturday would be Thursday, Friday would be Wednesday and Sunday would be Friday - so at 4pm Sunday (when you're not doing much in particular) you've have it pouring down outside and end up having to chill at home. Simple but effective way of making it nicer on weekends! 


What a bunch of children. If they aren't arguing, they are slagging each other off or telling everyone how great they are. Ok so we get a prime minister who fell into the job rather than got voted in, then he has an election where no-one opposed him, now everyone slates him for being rubbish. If he's that bad he should have got voted out. Now I'm not a fan of Brown - neither an opposer- I couldn't care less. They are all full of lies, secret agendas and blame. What is really annoying is that they spend most of the time bickering on stupid little points like a pair of 5 year old would about an ice cream, then they have the cheek to say that they would be the best people in the job - and prove this by dancing like a dad in some party function in Blackpool. And another thing is they don't have the balls to stop major companies taking the p!ss out of the country. "Oh we're British Gas and we can raise our prices by how much we like" but the government have a debate, say it's not good and then advise companies to stop giving pay rises and then that'll stop inflation. No, what it'll do is make everyone skint and end up in big debt, apart from the politicians who earn enough not to give a toss about the price of petrol or anything else. Grow up you bunch of bad-suit wearing, geeky, turd-talking, failed accountants. 

People to be thrown into the dungeon of slappings 

It's got to be the leaders all the political parties, except Screaming Lord Sutch - he can have a nice walk around the park. 

Christiano Ronaldo is to be given a guided tour around the dungeon - because if he carries on messing about saying he wants to go to Real then changing his mind, he'll be chucked in there and be forced to listen to Frank Lampard trying to give a speech for the rest of eternity. 

5th July 2008

Banoffee Pie 

I hate this stupid description for a pudding it's a load of fuank (to coin the naming persons' logic). It's a banana and toffee pie, to actually think about it, it's a pretty disgusting combination, but then again that's down to personal taste. This dis-gruntledness also expands to any food which has been double-named to make it sound funky or a bit different. Frubes - fruit in a tube and something even kids think is a bit childish. Choco-pops - or whatever they are called now - and that's another thing- why have they changed the coco-pops advert to include that stupid slogan that doesn't work??? "Coco-pops and milk make a bowl full of fun??? Marketing retards! 

Premium Account Internet things 

This isn't one of those sleazy websites, it is for hosting websites. PhotoBucket, PictureTrail, FlickR and all of those other type of sites which give you "Free Image Hosting" and all these other features that draw you in, thinking you can distribute your photos to all your family at the click of a button. So you sign up for free and get going. Only to find out that to get the function of 1 click distribution, you have to subscribe. What a load of toss! So without wanting to admit defeat, you have to up load each picture individually, or in a bulk load using their unstable free uploader tool, which keeps crashing the pc. After 10 hours of uploading, 12 crashes and 20 pics uploaded, you now have to individually sort them into folders. Bearing in mind that if you subscribe, his could be done with a single click, but because it's free, it has to be done manually and with adverts all over the place. The only way I can see of getting out of this loop of hell is to tell the family "No, I didn't take any photos".  The web = free stuff is generally crap. 


Flying tax-men basically. Britain seems to be getting a growing population of these little Farqhuars! They are annoying in a couple of ways, not only do they suck your blood without asking, their bites itch and they can transmit disease. Also, if you're watching telly with the lights off, they seem to fin it irresistible to whiz past the screen at the most annoying times (just before a punch-line, horror bit or main part of the film), causing you to pause the program, turn on the light and spend the next ten minutes looking like a demented bedroom-lion about to attack the tiny flying gazelle with the tissue of doom. So you can't find it after a few minutes of hunting. Off the light goes and back to the program. The little bar-steward whizzes past the screen again, and the ritual starts again, only to give up after the 3rd attempt, go to sleep and wake up the next morning with a dozen bites and a little note on your pillow saying "F@#K You, I got your blood and I'll be back tomorrow!"

People to be sent to the hall of slaps 

Joey Barton - You're a premiership footballer who keeps fighting because "people taunt you" - so what, go home with your 」50k per week and deal with it! Such a tragedy that people give you stick!!! 

The beach attendants at Golden Beach - Malta  - For one day pulling out all the stops to sort us sun-loungers, parasols , drinks and food and for then next not being bothered because we didn't want beers straight away.  

Ryanair - I know the flights are cheap, no frills and basic, but normally courtesy is something that is required from any service provider, actually from everyone. If you employ flight attendants, make sure they aren't rude old battle-axes with more pre-menstrual tension than Maggie Thatcher after she's found out that the Falklands are actually Argentinean!

11th June 2008

Ok I know it's been a while, but I've been quite happy recently, until Big Brother started. 

Big Brother 

This is meant to be a reality show. Surely the whole set up proves that it it no reality show - in reality, you don't have a dozen vetted weirdos in a house, locked up so they can't get out, fed cheap booze, given jacuzzis saunas and everything else they need to live comfortably. And why do people watch this rubbish? If I wanted to watch someone doing nothing I'd go to the old folks home and get the same result. But no - people watch this cr@p and even have enough time to waste to watch the extended program on digital. Where the block out the sound, because it's nearly live, as people are talking about stuff that may be found offensive. So how pathetic is that. You're sitting in a room, watching people sitting in a room, not being able to hear what they say and they are doing as little as you are. Get out, do something and stop feeding your mashed up brain with this tripe!!!

Sports Programmes During Euro 2008 

 Right, England aren't in the Euros this year, we failed as our team were so pathetically rubbish, very few players actually put effort into the games. So why do the commentators keep on going on about Englad during the games, commentry and summaries? Face the fact, BBC, SKY and ITV, that we didn't make it through to the Euros, and talk about the teams that did. There's no point in telling us that Gerrard says that he thinks they would have done OK against the Germans, because we're not in it - obviously it proves that we weren't good enough. I'm a supporter of England, but it is majorly annoying that people can't let it lie that during the qualifiers, we were sh!te!!!!!!!!  

Forward This Email To ## People

Self inflicted spam. If you receive and email telling you to send it to 7 or 10 or 100 friends otherwise you will blow up, have no luck for the rest of your life, or a 'special thing will happen on your screen', then just delete it. Don't send it on to me as nothing like this works, unless you have installed something from the email, which probably mean you now have a virus anyway. Alll they serve is to fill up your inbox, waste my time and prove your lack of understanding of computer systems.. And the people who create them? Nothing better to do with their lives. 

People to be sent to the hall of slaps 

David Pleat - To usde the phrase "Spain won't get very far with poor defensive shows like that" as they were 4-1 up against the Russians. They will go far if they keep scoring 3 more than their opponents!!!

Gatusso, Van Persie, Ljungberg, Del Piero, Podolski, Lehmann and Henry - For being in the Euros when you actually should be in a big tub of horse leavings. 

Words/phrases to be banned 

Blog - Web-log? Online diary for people who aren't really doing anything - read by people who do even less (similar to big brother)

Big Up 

The Dutch team (apart from Van Persie) for wiping out Italy

7th May 2008

Phone Calls

How come the phone always rings at the wrong time?? The other day i was lugging a wardrobe up the stairs, on my own - so it wasn;t the most easy task in the world. I've struggled with this 70 kg beast to half way up the stairs, and have managed to get into a position where if i let go, it would all end in a big mess and a few choice words. So the phone rings. To add to the struggle, you get the feeling that you really should answer it, so there i am, half way up the stairs, fighting a wardrobe and contemplating wether i should let it drop, probably to find that it's a wrong number or someone wants to sell me windows. So as usual, i ignore it. I get the wardrobe to the top of the stairs and put it in it's place. Note: the phone doesn't ring now when i could actually do with a break!!!  So then i get to work on the task of getting the second one up the stairs - exactly the same thing, when at a pivitol moment which could see me joining the wardrobe at the bottom of the stairs in a human/wood mess combination, the bloody phone rings again!!!. I ignore and arry on as normal. Later in the day the missus comes home and says " you've missed 3 calls, how come you didn't answer it?" after ignoring this question i decide to get dinner. So i sit down with my pathetic effort of a microwave 'meal' (term used loosely for the pre-formed mass of semi-synthetic mush on my plate) so i can relax and consume plastic at my leisure and what happens? bloody phone starts ringing.

Play acting

This has got to be the worst thing that has come into football since Klinsmann. I went to the United game v West Ham - who we thoroughly spanked, but the game was slightly marred by the fact that United only had 10 men. The reason for this? Well, Nani got sent off. He 'headbutted' an opposition player.  I can understand this is a sending off offence, but when a so-called headbut is mearely a brush of eyebrows, i fail to see how much damage that can cause. Now Nani was wrong for doing this,. Lucas Neil should feel ashamed for being such a wuss and diving backwards like a sledge hammer had just smashed through his face, but Nani should have been slapped round the face for diving down too! As much comedy value as it had, there still lies a part of me that dislikes this Platoon style diving rubbish. When you are taken out, land like you have been taken out, not roll 30 yards up the field, screaming like you're giving birth. Every now and then, take on a tackle and you might actually get through it, without having to beg the ref for a free kick like a scabby whore trying to get business from a rich man. To summaries, stop falling on the floor, the only person allowed to do this is Ronaldo - and he's stopped doing it too!

Club Free-loaders

You can see them a mile off, standing in the queue outside the nightclub, looking fine and chatting to people. You think they look like a good laugh and maybe have a chance as they've chatted to you, but you fall into that silly spell of offering to buy them a drink.  This is a little game me and the missus play, we'll be queueing to get into a club and there will be two girls, tiny skirts & tops, nice hair and makeup - minute handbags - not enough space to fit lipstick and money,  so obviously the money isn;t taken.  They first arrive in the club with the lads they have been chatting to outside, go to the bar and the lads (guaranteed) will offer to buy yhtm a drink, they turn to each other and agree on some bottle of tart-fuel (usually WKD or Smirnoff Ice) and proceed to drink them through a straw. After a while of chatting to the lads, they'll go for a wander, only to bump into another group of lads, who do the same. This will go on all night, teasing the lads, getting them to buy drinks and generally fleecing the poor boys, under the hope that one of them might get a date out of it. Sitting back and watching this is funny, especially if you see one of the culprits slip over on a pile of puke, left by an over-enthusiastic drinker, or seeing their face when someone refuses to buy them a drink. Bottom line -  stop doing it you skanks, get your own drinks and leave the brainless boys alone!!!!

People to be sent to the hall of slaps

Poke in the head for me for noticing that i spelt foie gras wrongly.

Kerry McFadden (or whatever her bloody name is now) - One minute she's in 'OK' magazine (or some similar amount of tripe) saying how she's a good mother, then next she's in the papers snorting a 」200 line of coke and how bad she is. Sort it our woman!!!


27th March 2008

Writers Block

I hate having writers block - i can't even complain about anything!

Wannabe, Overly-enthusiastic supporters

I lied about not involving football, but it can apply to any sport.
I hate sitting next to or near anyone who sees it right to jump up, shout, celebrate and complain about a match, when actually there is nothing going on. You fool! You jump up and shout out at the ref on how bad a decision he's made when he's gave a throw on to the opposition on the half way line, when our player has slide tackled the ball out! You scream at a player to be subbed when he misses a chance, even though he's taken the ball half way up the pitch, skinning 5 players and eventually having to take a snapshot as there's no support! You shout inane comments like, "Why are you clearing the ball - run it out!" when there are 2 defenders and 4 opposition attacking the area. You wave your arms about like there is a plague of imaginary flies in front of you, talk a load of crap about how they shouldn't man-mark players and think every attack should end up in a goal. It doesn't happen like that! You have to build, you have to clear the ball when it needs clearing and you have to stop getting on my nerves or I'm going to throw you into the away end!

Words to be banned

Infomercial - utter marketing cabbage.  It's an advert that informs you of something - like toss is it!

Words to be used more

Plimsoll - cracking invention to show a coming of age. You know you are hitting teenage years when you refuse to wear them for PE any more

People to be thrown into the dungeon of slaps

Muffcarano - HA HA HA keep it shut matey and you might even go a full 90 mins,  oh, that'll be you getting sent off then.
The bloke sitting next to me at the United v Liverpool Game - Shut up - you turn up once every 5 months and talk utter junk in an overly-high pitched voice. When you learn that Rooney doesn't have to score every game to be a major part of the team, then I will stop deliberately ignoring you.

19th March 2008


How come the paperless office has turned into a paper-filled, electronic application backed-up pile place where everything has to be electronically agreed then manually signed off? Surely in this electronic world where everything can be password coded, instantly transferred and electronically tagged, we shouldn稚 have to fill in any paper forms to coincide with this tripe! I spend a large amount of the day shuffling papers around and checking computer screens, when all that needs to be done is to lose all the paper and make the on-screen forms more user friendly. Tell the accountants and auditors that data on a pc can be changed  as easily as on a bit of paper, but can be protected without it having to go into a safe. And what痴 the point in auditors coming in and checking that every transaction is going smoothly, surely they could do this from a download onto on major program that checks for anomalies? When I was a kid there was all these sci-fi programs that promised floating cars, cd players in every home and computers that could run the house for you. Most of it has come around but the paper pushers seem to have taken a firm grip, just solely to make me have to do filing every 6 months! 

Words/Phrases to be banned 

        Chortle No-one chortles, they giggle, smirk, laugh or snigger. Chortling went out in 1920 and stayed out.

        Guffaw see chortle. 

People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps 

New section easy to understand if I don稚 like them they get slapped until they realise how wrong they are. 

        Jamie Cullam stop messing around, either play the piano or get off. You shouldn稚 be standing on a piano anyway!

        Alan Carr -  You annoying unfunny turd you should really see a dentist.

 Words/Phrases to be used more frequently 

Gammy adj. Brit Slang, (of the leg) lame

Gangue n. valueless material in an ore

Gamine - .n a slim and boyish girl or young woman 

Bunky Chollox anagrams:

Club Hook Lynx
Lunchbox Yolk
Holy Clunk-box


13th March 2008

Daytime Telly
I致e been off ill for a couple of days and had the delights of enduring day-time TV. What a load of rubbish. If it痴 not Chav痴 and their pathetic problems it痴 just-passed-middle-age wrinkle raisin faced 祖elebrity housewives talking a load of junk about how they run their house and how great they are. Jeremy Kyle, is light entertainment because it serves to prove that there are people out there with a  lower IQ than 100 and that some people really do buy matching Burberry tracksuit top and bottoms. Loose Women load of sexist junk if 5 blokes did the same program, it would be banned for being sexist. Either way I壇 rather have been at work feeling ill than suffering that load of mind-w@nk

Some emotions are worse than this, but not many are so frustrating. How annoying is it being bored, don稚 wanna do anything,  can稚 be bothered, need to do sommat but don稚 know what. The only cure for this I think is to go out down the pub, play football or go all Matrix Los Angeles gunman on the world!

Not the kind which is produced by digestive gasses, but the stuff we call weather. Wind is the most annoying weather because it makes everyone look bloody stupid. Rain it痴 wet, but only gets you wet and a brolly or coat will stop it痴 effects. Snow kind of the same, but actually fun. Sunshine is good you can do stuff in the sunshine. But wind it痴 just the most annoying thing in the world. You try walking in the wind without looking like a fool. If you池e in a suit, you spend most of the time with your tie slapping you in the face, if you wear a skirt (not from personal experience) it flies up all the time and it only serves to worsen any other weather that is happening at the same time.

Words/Phrases to be banned
禅ime as in 的 haven稚 seen you for time chav speak so it痴 obviously below normal human standards
guesstimate it痴 either an estimation based on knowledge and fact or it痴 a guess it can稚 be both, unless you池e a bell-end

People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps
Loose Women the ones off the telly program, for being boring muppets who shriek at nothing.
Joe Pasquale your voice is not funny, it痴 put on and you are going down a very steep slope into holiday camp entertainership


5th March 2008

The world was a much better place before computers got involved. When I was a lad, computers were huge things that sat in special rooms, only being used to churn out numbers. Such an advancement has been made in recent years that they are everywhere  - and all of the crashing when the user is half way through something! Why do these things, which apparently working totally by logic, freeze mid-document, when the only thing being changed is a key press on the keyboard the simplest of tasks for a pc to intake! And what power-crazed fool decided on the error messages? 土ou have performed an illegal operation 鍍his program has stopped responding and the ultimate insult 土ou failed to shut down your pc properly.. No,  the fault was not by me trying to create some super-giant-complicated program to take over the world,  I was writing an email to someone-  and you had a benny! It痴 not my fault you crashed it痴 yours, you stupid lump of carbon-based illogical cow!

Friendship Emails
Why are there people in the world creating emails that 敵ive me good luck if I forward it on to 20 people in the next minute or 鉄how you池e  a true friend. Load of cobblers. They are all the same tripe, telling you how nice you are, how important and that you値l get years of bad luck if you don稚 forward on a bit of electronic code. Well balls to em I致e decided to bin anything telling me to forward to 疎t least ## people. I壇 like to know who these people are so I can give them 10 mins of bad luck at the end of my foot! Actually I may start one up offering 10 years of bad luck if you DO forward it on then see how long it comes round the world back to me. And another thing if you致e seen a funny before don稚 send it on either the likeliness is that if you池e seen it,  so has the person you池e sending it to  - as we池e only 6 people away from knowing everyone in the world!

Words/Phrases to be banned

Equidistant they are of equal distance to each other stop trying to merge words you twappet
Equalized and any other American spelling of words USA we gave you a language kindly use it!

People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps

New section easy to understand if I don稚 like them they get slapped until they realise how wrong they are.

David Dickenson orange pan-faced fraud married to Tina Turners more wrinkly sister
Gatusso you may play for AC Milan, but Arsenal beat you and you deserve to be gutted Stig of the dump!

25th February 2008 

Back again with more ramblings. 

展hat have you been up to?

Let痴 start with what痴 happened recently. Nothing. When you see someone you haven稚 seen for ages, they all ask, 展hat have you been up to? and the only answer most people come up with is, 渡ot much really. I am one of these people. It痴 an empty question that you cannot answer unless you致e done something amazing, like flew a helicopter into a war zone to save some baby goats, or ate dinner with the queen and started a food fight. Basically it痴 just a rubbish question. Everyone HAS been doing something, but with that question the person is obliged to try and sum it all up with a one-sentence answer, usually summing up to 渡othing much, or, 都ame as usual. Next time we see someone we haven稚 seen for ages, lets ask a new question, like 殿re you still straight? or 的知 surprised you haven稚 been sent to prison yet, how have you managed to dodge the law for this long? basically give an honest question of how you feel about them. 

Jamie Oliver

Ok clean version I think he is an annoying 僧ockney who doesn稚 realise that he spits on all of his food due to his speech impediment. He goes around telling people how to eat properly and healthily in schools, sells all sorts of over-flamboyant food for Sainsbury痴 and basically is an annoying-wannabe-uni-student turd. He went to schools and told them that kids are getting fat due to bad food. Ok fair enough, nothing to do with only the 1 hour of PE they have each week? Nothing to do with the fact that they aren稚 allowed to run around in the playground? Nothing to do with the fact that no kids are allowed out to play, run around and get injured any more? And how can he go on about healthy food?? In the latest advert he痴 feeding fat cabbie pork sausages!!! As long as he gets his knighthood for supposedly helping kids get healthy, he値l sell his backside to anyone! 

Talking with mouth full

Not actually the right header but it痴 in the same area. Why do people complain about someone talking with their mouth full when it seems that they wait until someone is eating before asking a question? It happens more frequently than I care to mention, but it appears that when I am eating, the questioner will wait until I致e got a mouthful of foodstuffs until their question is asked, it then appears that I am ignoring that person because I don稚 immediately answer. I have resolved this problem with some people by instantly gobbing all my food out onto the floor (or at them), then answering. If this happens in frequently enough, then I知 sure the questioner will actually grow some patience and wait to ask or for the answer.

Words/Phrases to be banned 

         Hoh-e-hoh the noise that unimaginative people make when trying to sound like a Frenchman

         Hitherto created by legal people to sound intelligent  

People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps 

New section easy to understand if I don稚 like them they get slapped until they realise how wrong they are. 

         Neil Warnock For not realising that sometimes you lose because you aren稚 as good.

         Jamie Oliver Slobbering sausage jockey

         Vernon Kay You are the male equivalent of Sarah Cox you annoying loudmouthed pillock

         Sarah Cox Foghorn 


20th February 2008 

Pork Scratchings

I have been eating pig fat (commonly known as Pork Scratchings) since I was about 5, back in the days when kids were allowed to try foods without being scared of allergies. Mum used to go to the cash & carry in Northampton and come back with all sorts of cardboard 壮heets of varied goodies. Scratchings, nuts, crisps and even sweets (and did I develop an attention deficiency syndrome? Did I die due to being allergic to nuts? Did I have to get a set of false teeth by the time I was 25? Was I too hyper that I needed 壮pecial attention?  No!!!) This has given me the position of knowledge I have about such a matter.  I tend to find the best ones are in random pubs in just a clear sandwich bag with a tie on the top. There are varying differences between brands, summarised as such: 

  • The Sandwich Bag Huge lumps of pig fat, no health warnings, no idea as to where they come from - marvellous
  • Mr Porky Scratchings Consistently crunchy, quite salty but edging towards being as good as the sandwich bag.
  • Black Country - Tends to have a wide variance of solid and squishy contents. The squishy ones can seem wrong sometimes like a coffee revel.
  • Mr Porky Crackling these aren稚 real they are rubbish

One thing to note, as a connoisseur, is the shape and formation of such a treat. Only last night did one resemble a part of Tina Turner that only the front of her latest audience would have seen. 

Lesson ends. 


It痴 like a strawberry flavoured soft cheese drink. It also contains Guar Gum, which is a thickener. Years ago this Guar Gum was marketed as a slimming aid because it swelled up in the stomach and turned into a big blob of chewing-gumesque mass. It (according to Esther Ranzen on 禅hat痴 Life) caused a lot of people to be constipated as they were unable to pass this gooey mess. It was also demonstrated as being slightly dodgy when she put a pack of pills down the loo and it managed to clog the system totally like silicone sealant. This stuff is also in Sunny Delight but don稚 get me started on that. 

Neil Warnock

Stop whinging (tried to stay off the football subject but couldn稚) - You can never see the fact that when a team beats you, it痴 because they are better. 

Words/Phrases to be banned

This section will have to be broken down over many weeks, but to start off with;

  • Moreish - it痴 a stupid word that shouldn稚 exist, created by some overweight chocolate munching housewife magazine.
  • Goujon Ok, if you池e French, use it any English person trying to say it sounds wrong.
  • Frois-Grois See Goujon

More from me soon...   Rob



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