26th May 2017

Airplane Passengers

I’m quite a frequent flier so have experienced lots of flights where there’s lots of nice people all with the same goal of getting somewhere with the least amount of hassle and discomfort possible. I understand if you are a big person that you might overspill or take up the arm rest a bit, at night you might want to sleep and put the seat back to get comfy. What I dislike and find annoying is if you are normal sized, on a day flight,  please consider the person behind you who has no bloody room to move once you’ve put your seat fully back for no reason!

On a recent flight, I was asked if I could move seats to accommodate a family, no problem I still had a window seat for the 7.5 hour journey. I was stuck behind some person who did this, proceeded to watch TV and kiss and cuddle with (what I presume) was his girlfriend. When I asked him to move his seat forward a little bit when the meal came, I would have expected a bit of consideration, not a movement of less than an inch forward. Fortunately karma came into play and gravy was spilt down his back whilst passing the tray to the stewardess, due to lack of room, but that’s not the point (and may have been less of an accident than it looked).  Consider the poor b@$tard behind you first! And if a request comes for more room, remember I’m clumsy at any point I feel I need to be!!!

Craft Beer Experts

Ok so I’m not a fan of craft beers – I’ve tried a few and some are ok, some are awful, none really appeal to me. This said, I don’t have a grudge against them, or a good 75% of people who drink them (including millennials who are close to having their own specially targeted rant on here), but I do have a grudge about a certain set of people who have to tell me all about their experiences with craft beers. Why?

1.       They always use the same phrase about a craft beer from a while back that was, “A beuuuuutiful drop”. This is said with accentuating the ‘U’ in beautiful whilst slightly tipping the head back in the face formation as if they were receiving a strand of spaghetti from above. The word ‘drop’ has to be used – instead of drink, pint or taste.

2.       They always presume that I’m interested in every drop of ‘Nobblers Cock’, ‘Weasels Wheatey’, ‘Thrumbastons Charwoman’ or ‘Bishops Bodypart’ they’ve ever tasted. I’m not interested and I never asked!

3.       They always also have to involve the person pulling the pint to ask if they have a keg of a previous one they’ve had, “Excuse me barman, do you have any of the ‘Chumpagumpers Breweries’ ‘Flaccid Marrowlifter’? It’s a beuuuuutiful drop I discovered in the south coast!” inevitably the barman will say no and pretend he had it on last week.

4.       Then after the barman has used a conversational avoidance technique, it’s ignored with, “oh you should get some more in, it’s got a lovely hoppy taste with an undertone of #insert fruit here# and a hint of #insert other vegetable/fruit here# with a #insert flavour description here (such as tangy or dry)# finish, beuuuuutiful!” to the barman nodding his head and pretending he’s got a customer waiting on the other side of the bar.

5.       They discover the beers – not went to the pub and tried it because it was on tap, they discover them!

6.       And then there’s the actual drinking of the pint they have in their hand,  take a big swig and “ooooooh, lovely”

2nd Nov 2015

Salad cream

It goes in the fridge, there’s no two ways about it – even on the back of the bottle it tells you to keep refrigerated once opened. It’s quite a nasty sight flipping the lid over on a room-temperature (21 degrees according to every science lesson, science paper and science teacher I have ever encountered), salad cream bottle and seeing the crust built over the outlet and finding that it’s actually warmer than the lettuce or whatever you’re trying to pour it onto.

House Temperature/Central Heating

I’m surprised it’s taken me this long, but the salad cream one reminded me. Anyway – people who have their heating on full power need to know – scientifically agreed, room temperature is 21 degrees. It’s a comfortable temperature to be in. If you personally are cold, put a jumper on. If you are still cold, wear a coat. Still cold? Then there’s something wrong with you. Go see a doctor. On Wikipedia, there’s a big explanation about it, but I think the line that quotes; “Although by other considerations the maximum should be below 24 °C (75 °F) – and for sick building syndrome avoidance, below 22 °C (72 °F).^[2]”

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Room_temperature)

The other issue with this is that when someone enters a room from outside and says, “Ooh it’s cold, let’s put the heating up”. NO. You’re the one who’s cold, not the room – and it’s because you’ve been outside. The thermostat controls the ambient temperature, keeps it at a level, if you walk in and you are cold, it’s because you are cold. Get your mind to work this in and leave the bloody thermostat alone.

Current ‘Popular’ TV shows

I’m no sorry in saying how much I ignore programs like Big Brother, TOWIE, Made in Chelsea or any other connotations of this drivel. There are shows that, although helping people, still follow the overly-use story line of not being able to finish something in time and suddenly making it right at the last minute (DIY SOS – prime example). Then there are programs that are made to fill spaces in time with the cheapest and uninventive boring tripe possible. The first of these I’ll bring to the court is that Bake Off bullsh!t. My understanding is, it’s a cake making competition, a bit like MasterChef (I could have sworn I did a rant about this program also), but just with cakes. Not being a cake fan, I couldn’t give a flying toss about how they are made, how difficult and how they could be described. Moist, fluffy, light, citrus tang, does anyone really have that much passion about a pointless time-waste that they really want to give up all other opportunities and spend an hour watching someone make a soufflé?

This applies also to;

‘Antiques’ buying and selling shows, what a bag of turds

‘Buying and doing up houses’ shows – as somehow the buyers only have budgets of £400k spare and want something ‘modest’. Middle class, wax-jacket-wearing ring pieces!

Loose women – yes, I bet they are, very. And Janet Street Porter is a (to steal a phrase) “Mongy Foghorn”

Motorways

What the hell is going on in the last few years with the motorways? Every single one seems to be getting re-built. We need to check the sat-nav time and add on an hour for each 50 miles we are travelling. Reduced speed limits agreed, are for the workers safety, but surely at some point one road will be completed and there will be free-flowing traffic? Not in the past 5 years there hasn’t been. I’m starting to think that all these construction companies have actually hired out the middle sections of the motorways to store their gear in. They aren’t working on anything, they are all parked there until they get taken to a job. They are also storing their gravel and sand there by the looks of it. Maybe if they were forward thinking, they could put some parking spaces in there as well – it’s save us having to wait in the actual road for the traffic to reduce so the possibility of seeing third gear would be more likely.

23rd June 2015

Bathroom roller blind

The latest thing in my list of hates is roller blinds. The set in our bathroom is completely amazing, no matter which cord you pull, it's always goes the opposite way you want it to. There's a dongle thingy on it and I'm definite that it changes place. Before you tell me its position and relativity to direction of blind will alter depending on the current position of the blind, I already know this, yet every time I try to open or close, the bloody thing does the opposite, knowing full well that it's being a pr!ck. I've checked the position of toggle when it is open, closed, being opened and being closed, it changes! My conclusion is that either someone keeps swapping it around or it's got a weird gear system designed to be as awkward as possible. There are two options, put up with it, or let the neighbours be frightened at a free show. Actually it's just going to end up ripped off and thrown into next doors garden!

19th September 2014

Hotel Rooms

I know this isn’t just me and have checked by asking some people who frequently have to stay in varied hotels as their job requires them during visits and meetings. I also don’t believe in energies within Feng Shui, but recognise familiarity links with comfort and security.

So there I was, arrived in the hotel for the night, which I’ve stayed in a couple of times. It’s a nice, clean, modern place, the foyer is  modern and minimalist, the concierge is friendly and helpful and it’s all pretty good. The thing I had is that every time I stayed there, when I got into the room, it felt a bit like a generic 4 star hotel. Everything in the pre-built, same place, same amenities and pretty much had no ‘connection’ to the room. The latest visit was a bit different. As per usual, had the meeting, finished it later than planned and went to the room to get changed before heading out. Got to the room, opened the door, but instantly it felt different, somehow a bit more homely. After noticing this I realised that it was because the layout was different from all the others I’d been in. The bathroom was on the left hand side when entering, which was opposite to every other time I stayed there (coincidental I guess that I’d always had a right-sided room) and everything was set in mirror as to what I was used to there – it was what I’d classify as a left-sided room. It was different, but somehow felt better. It can only have been down to the opposite layout. Later on we chatted about this and realised that another in our team said exactly the same, but his was a left-sided room and it didn’t feel right as he preferred a right-sided room. Anyway – this isn’t a rant, I know, but some weird observation, probably proving I have some deep-seated OCD and psychological issues J

1st May 2013

David Bowie

Ok so some presentations are interesting, some are dull and some you have to endure sitting near a person who thinks that they should make noise all the way through. This isn’t the usual acceptable noises such as a cough or sneeze, or even maybe the odd rumble from a stomach, no, this is the bloody annoying action in which politicians do in the houses of parliament. We’ve all been to a presentation where we agree with the presenter, are mildly surprised with the information or raise eyebrows at what’s being presented. When a presenter asks the audience a question the acceptable norm is a mumble of agreement or acceptance, but this is when required, what is not needed is a “mmm” or tut at every bloody part of their speech.  If they tell you that the Scottish market sells the most amount of Irn Bru in the country, don’t sit there nodding and mumbling agreements to yourself, SHUT UP!!. If they say the market for Sinclair C5’s has diminished, we don’t need to hear your tut from the other side of the room. Stop trying to make it look like you knew this sort of thing is happening or was going to happen, stop pretending that you know what the presenter is saying and SHUT UP because your noises are annoying, too frequent and make everyone in the vicinity want to give you an elbow to the neck!!!  What exactly are you looking for? Recognition that you pretended to ‘get’ what they were presenting? Do you think the presenter will personally thank you for paying attention? No one near you needs to talk as they are too busy listening and actually taking in the info. What you should do is take the presentation in a room on your own and dribble on it, shout “YEEEEEEESSSSSS” at it and frap off in your own privacy, not fill mine and all others ears with your noises which sound like a nun being shafted by the vicar next to mother superiors bedroom!!!!

15th April 2013

Smart phones

22nd October 2012

Race marshals

 The newest addition to my rantables is race marshals. Ok I understand they arte there for safety reasons, I get the fact that they are there to keep the race flowing, but they appear to be in the same leagues as referees. I wholly believe that referees do such a job as they want to get back at the people who didn't pick them in the team at school. the major difference is that the latest batch of race marshals I conflicted with were about 16, couldn't legally drive outside of the go-kart track and don't understand that a part of racing includes defending your position on the track!! I'm going round on a semi-decent lap; catch up with the kart in front, which is also held by a slower driver. This gives the opportunity for the kart behind me to catch while we try and navigate the buffoon in front (being lapped) who appears to be towing a caravan, given the speed they are attaining. So we all fly past at a given opportunity and the marshal waves me a blue flag, for the slower driver who caught me up solely due to miss daisy being in the way, to allow to overtake. I expressed my opinion via the medium of sign and don't give way. This is followed by the little scrotum disabling my engine temporarily, allowing the back runner to overtake. I prove my point on the next lap by overtaking the kart again and gesticulating to the marshal that I was wrongly punished. To summarise, leave me alone to race, you spotty moron.

Parisians

After a recent trip to Paris, I found out a truth, which I previously dismissed as just a bad experience by people. It. turns out that the greater majority of Parisians are actually rude, arrogant spanners. The hotel staff where we stayed were rude and unaccommodating. We asked if there was a bar open near by, this was replied with a shrug and a turn of shoulder. We ask a taxi driver, he has the same reaction. We find some students and they were very helpful. There must be some training Parisians go through when getting a job, which makes them become a bunch of twats. To counter this somewhat, the staff on the euro star, the taxi driver to the venue and the students were ok. The rest were not.

Memory

Having a massive rant ready to type down and then getting back to find that I've completely forgotten it!!

The bloke from that African wildlife/vet programme and the D.I Blake TV show (I think)

He’s just around in TV world to depress and make everyone's night mardy. I am not saying he's been type cast but bloody hell, all he is ever in is a mediocre situation, where nothing major is happening, he acts stressed and then everything turn out fine and is a total waste of time watching. If it's not a wildebeest with a thorn in its foot, or a leopard with an uneven fur pattern, it's him being suspended from his job for a week as a copper, for being a witness to something. Absolute rubbish. I don't know his name, but the long-faced mardy acting stress monkey should break this typecasting non-entertaining toss that he keep appearing in. he's not interesting, not funny and not enjoyable, he's like a dose of meningitis.

Churchill adverts

Surely the advertising standards agency should be investigating those stupid, weak message adverts with that fake oversized puppet dog. Not because of false advertising, solely due to the fact that they are such poor adverts. They are not funny, they are not 'different' they don't stand out or give a point to think of. They are bland middle-England dross. Their attempt at dull slapstick comedy or prop comedy doesn't work, and that Martin Cloones bloke has well and truly fully sold out. In men behaving badly, he was the least funny out of the two, but offered moments of value. Obviously becoming the unfunny doctor in an unsuccessful TV series has taken this skill out of him. He should take his upside-down top lip, stupid puppet co-flop, his boring insurance messages and shove them well and truly up the producer’s poop-shute!!!

26th March 2012

Whilst slumming it watching the Jeremy Kyle show, I’ve noticed an insurgence of a new phrase building up, mainly to do with the DNA tests. The culprit now is the phrase, "It means the world to me" or similar derivatives. Now I was quite happy spotting the uses of "at the end of the day" during my scumming sessions, watching society stoop to all levels of low, but now with this new saying, I'm finding it more annoying that it's previous dominator. The problem I have is that no one using the term actually understands the meaning of it in the first place. Some lad in polyester tracksuit will bound on stage, giving it large about how he loves this child who he doesn’t think is his, then slate the mother, whilst openly admitting to sleeping with her best mate when she was pregnant with this apple of his eye. He’ll then admit to not providing anything for his angel and inform the audience that he's also not bothered bonding, as there's a 50/50 chance (the next new thing) that the kid might not be his. If it actually did mean the world (as he says) then he'd have done a lot more to provide for the child (as the almighty JK informs him to the audiences' delight). bottom line is (or should I have said "at the end of the day") he's done nothing, with minimal effort and he actually means he'll be chuffed for as long as it takes for the first CSA bill to come in.

Public radio stations - they are just as shockingly shite abroad as in England. On a recent visit to another climate, I forgot to take some cd's to play in the hire car, therefore resulting in trying to find a radio station that wasn't either constant accordion songs, polka, chat shows or news 24/7 (apologies for using Americanisms). So there we were, trundling along a peage with a station playing an English song (which bothers me neither way as it's better than listening to local folk music) ' when the highlighting annoyance of these types of station bring forth. Not the adverts' as they have to earn money somehow and provide their mentally reduced presenters with their wages, but the inane slurry, spewing out of the presenters' mouths about the latest topics of the day' then the announcement that the station you’re listening to is 100% music and they don't talk over your favourite songs! (Even my limited understanding of the language picked this up). It is a total lie, in fact it's so much of a lie, it's nearly religious! During a 8 hour round-trip journey, I counted 8 different songs, on a repeat cycle, given each song is about 3 mins long' and repeated (for what we counted) 8 times during the journey,, this gives a total play time of 3.2 hours, leaving 4.8 hours (or 4 hours, 48 minutes for the specific requires out there) of adverts and drivel. The adverts took just over half of this spare time, leaving around 2 hours for the presenters to spew out their self-obsessed crap. But no, there's also the requirement to mention the radio stations' name and how it plays all of your favourite music all the time, total turds!! If they did, then there would be music for an hour, adverts for a minute between each song and the (I refuse to use the word dj as they do very little jockeying with any discs of any type) vocal-prat having very little input. I believe that commercial radio should be changed, or at least sued for their advertising lies!!

Aaand another thing, queues, why the hell do we humans love them? Going anywhere, or doing anything? Best way to start is form a queue. I've become a bit adverse to this conformism now that if on my own, I'll refuse myself the pleasure of joining the queue. I have started enjoying the melee of a bundle, or blind panic. Look for example at a public house, a business which has been successful since the dawn of time gentlemen please! (To keep it in the scope of the topic). The pub has the correct queuing system, horizontally. This way everyone gets a looking at the same time and you can see what's going on. Vertical queuing systems in a place like this wouldn't work as it affords no interaction and would take a perceived longer time to satisfy requirements. So why not apply this to all aspects? Queue for a plane? Get your ticket at a bar and then get straight on, need to sort something out at the bank? Go to the bar and stop being so protective over how much money you have or owe, you can't take it with you when you're dead so why the worry? I urge the government to re-think queuing systems t gives s all a fair crack at being served first, no matter when we arrive at the service point (as long as I'm first)

battery powered technology, how come a battery will last for hours on end, when using a laptop at home, yet once I go away and leave the charger at home, knowing that the battery is at 100%, it immediately decides that the 5 hours life in the office, translates to 30 mins when needed for a hour? Similarly for network access, works fine when working from home, shocking when working from somewhere which has a higher connection speed.

Lastly - congratulations to Bordeaux airport for having the bollocks to charge €3.50 for a bottle of coke

28th June 2011

People in general

Ok not everyone deserves a slap or poke in the eye, but there are an amazing amount of people so thick that they can’t see the obvious or don’t deserve to be alive. I only picked up on these because I seem to have watched TV for a longer amount of time than usual recently, now I realise why I don’t watch it.

Example 1:

Watching Embarrassing Fat Bodies last night (to make myself feel slim) there was a woman on there who had paid for a gastric band to be fitted. She went to Belgium and paid for it privately, then came onto the program to say she didn’t think it was working properly. She had lost 11 stone at max, but put back on something like 3 stone. The doctor said she’d arrange to get the band checked that it’s still working and is in place etc, and then asked about the woman’s diet. Just after this point I thought “you fool, it’s bloody obvious what’s caused it” and wished that there was a slap button on the telly so I could project a full pimp-hand into her face. She said that, “Well I generally can’t eat an apple, but found I can eat chocolate instead, so I drink lots of Latte’s and hot chocolates.” And isn’t it obvious why you’re putting in on!!!!!!! Stupid woman!!!

Example 2:

Something to do with a baby hospital in Liverpool. Ok so it’s full of sad stories and babies in intensive care etc. but there was a baby in there who had been in for 3 weeks, they showed you the nurses taking care of it and everything. My instant thought was ‘maybe the mother is ill or not strong enough to do that, but then they said that the mother had gone home and not been in for 10 days. What an un-caring cow. So then they show you her at home, with her other two kids, stating that the hospital is 14 miles away and she can’t get there, plus there’s no-one to look after the other two kids, plus another few pathetic excuses that didn’t hold any weight. The fact that she had 2 mates around there who, to be honest, I wouldn’t have trusted them either, but then again I wouldn’t have trusted the mother to look after a packet of fags. This might be just my opinion, but she is a scummy b!tch, if you had a child in intensive care, that was 14 miles away, you’d walk, crawl or ask someone for a lift to get there. I don’t care how many pathetic excuses you have. All I can hope is that when social services remove the baby from you and your scabby turd-hole of a flat is that they put it in a home where it’ll be treated like a baby, not a revenue stream from child support.

Car Park People

If you park your car within the lines in a car park, open your door and not hit anything either side of you, then obviously you’re either a careful person, or you are a normal individual who isn’t a f@#king tw@t. If you open your door, using the car next to you to stop it from swinging fully open, not give a toss that you’ve dented the car next to you and carry on regardless then you deserve to have your door handles smeared with dog poop. Just saying, if I catch anyone doing it to mine again, be prepared for a smelly dented motor you moron!

People giving problems

If you have a problem, don’t come to me whinging about it, unless you have at least thought of a solution or have an idea of what you want to be done about it. In fact, don’t whinge to anyone about anything unless you have a solution. For the previous rants on this issue, shoot the two people I focussed on, and then remove the denty car idiot’s driving licence. That’s how it’s done, not just whinge whinge whinge.

On the bright side, there’s a willow tree outside my office that looks just like the one in Ice Age 2 that Ellie thinks it’s her mother.

19th October 2010

Kitchens Direct advert.

Something that’s annoyed me recently is the Kitchens Direct advert. It’s never going to be that interesting or a production worthy of Hollywood, but at least put some director skills into it. It’s a tiny thing to notice and now I wish I hadn’t, but now I have it’s amazingly poor how this editing and directing shambles could have ever made it onto public television. The miniscule error I am talking about is the start of the ad where generic female house owner walks across her newly fitted perfect kitchen spouting some scripted jizz about how easy / affordable / amazing the new kitchen is. She’s not naturally walking through the kitchen and happens to mention it, she starts from a standing point and awkwardly heads forth into marketing gumph. There’s a millisecond of hesitation which gives away the fact that the director thinks it’s a good thing to show – it’s not – it proves that there was a poor script that no imagination could be allowed for interpretation and the director obviously was doing it a) by the book, b) cheaply with no imagination or c) like the little jump up pompous weasel they probably are. If you’re going to advertise something, do it properly, and don’t leave in production errors. On a lighter note there’s an advert for some scummy accident claim firm which is quite honest – unfortunately the name is easily forgettable – so obviously that advert didn’t work well either. 

Credit card made up charges

I recently got fined £12 by the credit card company for apparently missing a payment. The phone call went something like this:

R: “I’ve been charge £12 for a missed payment – why is this?”

CC: “I can see on your account you paid in late, causing this late payment fine”

R: “I paid in late? I have it set up as a standing order so that it automatically pays on the same date so I don’t have this trouble”

CC: “I can see that sir, but we have changed the payment due date”

R: “Right – did you inform me of this?”

CC: “Yes sir I can see that it was informed to you on your statement”

R: “My statement? I don’t get statements sent to me – I requested on-line statements”

CC: “Yes sir it would have showed you on the online system”

R: “Ok please can you check your records and see how long I’ve been requesting access to your online system as I have been unable to log in”

CC: “Yes sir it shows you have had a problem for the last 4 months logging into the system”

R: “So therefore if I cannot log into your system, which has been investigated and agreed that there is a fault at your end, then I can’t see the notice, cannot action anything and therefore am not liable to pay the fine”

CC: “But you did pay late sir”

R:” No, I paid on time – the same time I always have. I don’t get my wages paid any earlier, so why should I pay you any earlier?”

CC: ”Yes sir, but we did put a notice on your statement”

R: “Which I couldn’t access could I?”

 After a few more reminders to them that they need to sort out their system, I got my £12 back. Not a big victory but proof that script reading is for brain-dead key-monkeys and that financial institutions continue to do what the f@#k they want!!

20th July 2010

World Cup Throw-Ins 

I’ll tell you what’s been annoying me recently.

Not the world cup itself, that was great, even though I could rant about the pathetic effort made by the England squad.

Not the vuvuzelas, as I thought they added some noise to some games which would have been a silent affair.

Not even the fact that it’s now over and we have to wait ages (a few weeks) before the new season starts.

I am not happy with the amount of time I watched a professional, world class player, take a thrown in and mess it up, but for the ref to allow it anyway. There are rules about throw-ins, I have seen them! I have been caught once or twice taking a foul-throw. But to watch a whole tournament consisting of at least (to my judgement) 40% of throw-ins to be foul-throws was annoying to say the least. It nearly got to the stage where the throw-in could have been a roll-in and the ref would have allowed it. Rory DeLapp, there’s how to take a throw-in, ball goes behind head and using both hands, delivers the ball from behind and over his head. It seems that this rule is now stretched to,

Ball goes behind head, over head and placed neatly right to the team member 1 inch away from the thrower who has kneeled down to put the ball on the floor.

Ok the ref’s made a few mistakes here and there with fouls and balls going over lines, but this one is one that gets punished at even the lowest levels, so how come the pro’s get away with it?

World cup teams – throw it properly, not like a limp-wristed fairy!

6th July 2010

Right then, my Bunkys team-mates,

An apology is required,

Yes I know I was wrong,

I should not have got so fired.

So I write these lines to say I’m fine,

And regret my actions at the time.

Can I add that my harsh words,

Uttered loud and few,
Not sent off because I was wrong,

T’was 'cause it’s bloody true!

8th June 2010

Right then – what has wound me up recently…. For starters;

Volvic 

That bloody Volvic 14 day challenge advert with that middle-class flop, who has obviously got no friends, failed any sort of education system and is a total pr!ck.

Jimmy, is his name, and he has to drink 1.5 litres of water a day for 14 days – so what? Well done mate, you managed to buy something more expensive than petrol and visit the loo more than normal. Enthusiasm is there – similar to a child’s enthusiasm when presenting you with their latest pile of crap painting, or of an American game-show contestant who has just won $5000.

Anyway the phrase that gets me is, “I’ve got five minutes off work and yeah I’m gonna have a cheeky Volvic.”  No, you are a f@#king bell-end!!!

You can’t have a ‘cheeky’ Volvic, you can’t have a ‘cheeky’ anything if it’s perfectly acceptable and healthy! The meaning of ‘cheeky’ is mischievous, naughty, defiant, not healthy, you idiot. You can have a cheeky water in Scotland – as it means to have a quick beer. You can have a cheeky fag, if you’ve sneaked out quickly. You can even have a cheeky shag, if you’re round the back of somewhere and you’re that way inclined. What you can’t do is have a ‘cheeky’ f@#king anything if it’s on your break, does not offend anyone at all and is basically taking in nothing but H2O!

Bottom line is – you are a ponce, with no friends (as they somehow don’t appear in camera shot in the advert), a crappy job being a waiter in a tiny restaurant, need a haircut and a slap, you all-exited-about-nothing waste of space. 

Britain’s Got Talent 

Ok it’s a talent show, so I should expect a bit of junk to appear. This doesn’t annoy me, rather than amuse. I don’t get wound up at the people who come on, are totally crap and then complain about the judges. I don’t even mind the people who turn up and are good. What I’m bored with is 4 things – Mediocre dance groups who as many different tunes in 5 second sections, solo dancers who do the same, Michael Jackson impersonators and people with their bloody dogs ‘dancing’.

Dance groups – at least be good at what you do, look different and give some good effect.

Solo dancers – you can’t actually do that much different to what has already been done, so unless you can, then leave it.

MJ impersonators – did anyone remember the kiddy fiddling charges? Has everyone forgot that this man was mentally deranged, had chameleon skin and some dodgy ways with young boys?

Dancing dogs – ooooh now you’re starting to light a fire of abuse. I shall refrain from most of the descriptive adjectives I would normally use for these flowery, fairy-headed, soppy jockeys of the dandelion-and-burdock-greased sausage! You’ve got a dog that you’ve trained to do certain things – good on ya, I couldn’t be bothered personally. And you’ve managed to incorporate this into a routine, ok this is getting a bit silly, but ok something to show your mates. Now you expect a who load of people to watch you pretending to dance with the dog as if it’s your partner (which I’m not sure that kind of relationship is legal in this county). You prance around badly, while the dag actually looks better and more co-ordinated than you. It’s been done before and it was mediocre at best then. Leave it alone, keep it in your little club competitions, don’t put it on frigging telly. Lassie would sh!t on your doorstep if he/she ever saw it!”

30th April 2010

Certain phrases.  

I’ll tell you what I’m not happy about at the moment- it’s the use of certain phrases, which seem to have seeped into the English language from the sewer of phrases.

Number one in the charts is the phrase ‘At the end of the day, right’ or ‘At the end of the day, yeah’ during an argument. It’s the Jeremy Kyle, Trisha, day-time telly’s world who seem to only be able to make an argumentative sentence by using this phrase when really it was not needed.  For example I quote from an episode today,

“Yeah well, at the end of the day, yeah, she’s just a lying cow!” Actually what it didn’t need was any phrase apart from the lying cow bit. Stop using this expression to fill in your limited understanding of the English language and its’ sentence building properties.

Number two comes in as, “I was taken aback!”  This seems to have made a revival of sorts, which started with Antiques Roadshow types, then filtered down to middle management. For the origins of this phrase, view here: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/taken-aback.html

Actually just stop using it because you were TAKEN BACK, not taken a-back – if you literally were taken a back, you are there fore in possession of a back which you are taking, and in theory it is not your own, so f@#king leave it alone!

Number three, is an expression / phrase, actually it’s an extra word that isn’t needed yet again. If something has happened, I’ll tell you why. Not “I tell you for why” where the hell did the ‘for’ come from? It’s not needed- you tell someone why their goldfish is dead, you tell someone why their car rolled off a cliff, at what point and for what reason would you ‘tell them for why their gran has died’!! Stop adding in extra words to pad out your limited vocabulary!!

31st October 2009

Post office unions-  or unions in general. 

Right then - I'm not having a go as postal workers, I'm having a go at the company Royal Mail and the Union.

Royal Mail has been losing money for years - why? Because it's procedures for handling mail is so antiquated and wastes time and money. It was set up hundreds of years ago and they basic principals still need to apply - a person buys a stamp, puts it on the letter, posts it, it gets delivered to the intended recipient.

What they have great need for change is the bit in between. There is still the need for people to collect the post from the mail boxes, there is still the need for people to deliver the mail, there is still the need for people at the sorting offices to respond to customers and for them to collect parcels, what they don't need is a Big Brother, telling them to stamp their feet and not do any work.

The union rep was on the radio the other day stating that "The union has benefited all of it's members by outlawing bully tactics by other employees, equal rights for all and a safe place to work"  - I did want to call in and say that those things are actual legal requirements, royal mail legally had to enforce those rules, the unions didn't actually do that - all they do is get in a strop, stamp their feet, fold their arms and refuse to do any work -  like a 5 year old would.

We are in the year 2009 and still have to put up with so called union 'leaders' trying to run the country like it is 1970.

The bottom line is - the management run the company, they could always close the business down, sack everyone, create a new business, buy all the sorting gear, premises and assets of the old company and start from a fresh view. They would probably buy machines to make the processes quicker and easier, update the whole system and employ half of the people there is now - it's the way the world works - a job is no longer a job for life - things change - live with it. The whole world of business is one of competition - Royal Mail no longer have a monopoly and some of the others provide better service - so obviously some business will be lost - unless they progress and update themselves.

Some times the sh!t hits you, sometimes it misses and gets the person behind.

One point which puts me on the "just get on with your work" line is that posties are all just sitting in line with what some pompous fool is telling them to do - even if they want to go to work, but they won't actually do what their employer wants them to do - surely the one who pays the wages is more important than the one who fought to get you double quilted toilet paper?

We now have email, internet, mobile phones and all sorts of new ways to make our lives more convenient, but the Unions are trying to make Royal Mail drag their feet so much that they eventually will end up closing down and taking the tax payers money with them (due to so many government funds being wasted on keeping them in the 70's).

I also believe that the heads of business of Royal Mail aren't helping the situation, but that's another rant (even still - If anyone else was in a meeting for days on end and hadn't got even a minor resolution for any part of it - they would be reprimanded).

Anyway - get back to work and bring me my unfathomable amount of junk mail I've been missing so much! I have to work so why aren't you??
 

Marlon King

What a pillock
 

1 Day

The film called 1Day is not being shown in Odeon and Cineworld Cinemas - the reason for this? It is a film about Birmingham gangs and a story of the happenings. From what I heard on the radio - it sounds pretty awful - when rival gangs are confronting each other they use Grime and Rap before they kick off - just like in real life (not). The cinemas refused to show it following "advice from West Midlands Police" who were quoted as saying that it would cause trouble.

Ok how easily influenced are teenagers - bearing in mind the film is a 15 certificate so isn't exactly a shoot-em drugs fest with gratuitous fit nude birds thrown in? Since when did the majority of kids watch one film and do exactly as they do? Ok so in America (bearing in mind that probably a fair few million people saw the film) one or two loons thought they were from the Matrix, but that's different, because I believe kids aren't actually that easily influenced and dim. Yeah they'll follow some silly fashions and bad music, but just because they see one film about gangs, they're gonna go hell for leather and shoot everyone so they can get a black Lexus seems a bit far fetched and, to be honest, the pathetic view of some do-gooder who's never actually been out and experienced life from a normal point of view.

Show the film - it's not gonna cause riots and the apocalypse - although what you could do is cut out some of the stupid talk like "ya get mi" and "wiv it bruv" or any use of the word 'bear' / 'bare' instead of it's properly described use within the Collins English Dictionary (ie the sentence "It's bear-hard to suss" ) etc etc

1st September 2009

Right let's get this clear, tracksuits - the clue is in their name. They are for wearing on the way to, on the way back from, around or in the vicinity of - hold on - a running track, or similar sports activity, where even slight exertion may be required. What they aren't for is appearing on Jeremy Kyle, for waddling around Nettos or to wear whilst stomping down the street, shouting at your kids who apparently, by your own admission, have questionable parentages. Tracksuits also were designed to give athletes some sort of body cooling, which are built-in to the fabric or have special vents within it's designs. The tracksuits which pretend to be sporty are nothing more than towels, sewn together with a logo badly stitched to the back of the hoodie section (the hoodie - a different rant) stating that the owner is either a "Gold-Digga", "Pineapple" or some other "sick" label. Another issue with tracksuits, is that generally, with the exception of Sumo wrestlers, Darts players and Shot putters, they are designed for sports people who are athletically built, or aspire to be athletically built. If you are a big wobbly mess with greasy hair, cake residue still clinging onto your mouth area, a couple of chins and instead of a belly being where a belly should be, there appears to be a couple of inner tubes, you really should not try to pretend you are doing any sport, or in fact wear any sporting gear! If you have no intention of using something for it's intended purpose than don't bother getting it in the first place. You don't see people going to the shops to buy a javelin, "just in case" or people buying lycra cycling shorts "because they are comfy to lounge around in" so either get off your fat ar5e and do some running or stop insulting people by pretending you could actually do more exercise than just picking up a remote control!!!

22nd May 2009

Right a new season a new load of complaints to have. I'm going to start on a subject that probably only involves me and my annoyance-　 Adverts.

Coca-cola Radio Advert.

I hate this with a passion - the stupid idea that someone orders a meal just to have a coke with it - You just don't, never have or never will. Although coke as a drink is ok - it's not a great subject for a radio advert. And the noise they have decided to use - the pouring into a glass of ice simulated noise. I hate it with a passion - all it reminds me of is all the times I've poured drinks when it gets an airlock and then glugs the drink over the counter! There's another hatred of mine (nearly an OCD)!!!

I think it's a Citroen advert - might be wrong - after hearing it a couple of times I got wound up and kept turning it over. "Here comes Bob, There goes Bob" well obviously Bob is f@#@ing the load off round the corner isn't he!!!!

Skills Centre

And another one that’s really annoying is the Skills Centre. Two blokes Gary and Tony, who worked on-site 3 years ago but obviously didn’t speak much to each other while working together. “Where did you go?” Tony asks – who fekkin cares – If you haven’t bothered to contact each other then why should you give a toss?!?!? “Working AND doing the course?!” Tony says in a state of amazement, well obviously after an 8 hour shift there’s not enough time left in the day for Tony to do anything other than watch telly whilst munching pies!!!

Anyway, Gary give Tony a bit of card (cuz he obviously can’t remember the name of a place he’s just been told) and the part company again – without saying goodbye, proving that Gary once again couldn’t care less about Tony – and neither do I. That advert grates my brain because of its fake, annoying, amazement at minor achievement. Gary – stick you’re “I’m my own boss now” up your backside and Tony, get back to Jeremy Kyle and your Steak and Kidneys!!!!　

And what’s with the media trying to stir things up in football. There was a report which says that Newcastle United might sue Manchester United if we don’t put out our full team against Hull. This is because there is a clause in the Premiership League contract that states we have to send out a full-strength team. What it doesn’t say is that we have to field our strongest / best team. Manchester have a full 3 days recovery until the European Cup Final, which is more important to Manchester United? European Cup Final or beating Hull when United are already the title winners for this year?!?!?!

Now if United did field their best team and lost against Hull, does that mean Newcastle would still sue, saying they didn’t play good enough? If Newcastle sued Manchester, couldn’t Manchester counter-sue saying that Newcastle have fielded a sub-standard team all season, hence why they are in the bottom few, plus then go on to sue the rest of the relegation-battle teams!

Of course some players will be rested or ‘not match fit’ for the last game, just because they are supposedly a big team doesn’t mean they have a divine right to be in the Premiership, you have to play 38 games and get enough points to do that. Have a look at Stoke and see how it’s done. Not pretty, not flash, but job done.

Sheffield United managed to sue West Ham, but that was a different situation and shouldn’t have counted anyway – if Manchester win or lose – Newcastle deserve relegation.

If this is just media hype, then, at the risk of repeating myself, Newcastle deserve relegation. (see 14^th November 2008 rant)

I recently went to a gig where The Prodigy were performing; being a pure gentleman of sophistication I ordered seated tickets. The hotel we stayed at was adequate, the pubs we went to before were ok and getting into the venue and to the seats was fine. The support act, however, was the first turning point of the night. After a few beers (served in 2pint glasses – brilliant idea – I commend the NIA) Dizzy Rascal came on. His name doesn’t really reflect his actual personage, Whiney Woosey would be more accurate. After spouting out about ten minutes of incomprehensible wannabe gangster cockney gibberish, the music stopped and the announcement made, “Please can you stop throwing glow-sticks at me”. Very ‘Hood’ mate, very gangster. Looking at the stage I noticed a couple getting thrown every now and then, followed by a few plastic cups and another “Stop, stop, stop.” At this point I gave my opinion of this by standing up and voicing that he may be a slight sensitive. The lads to my left found this most amusing, whilst, of the couple on my right the bloke chuckled and the female was decidedly not happy. After a few beers later the main attraction came on, the crowd roared, the music blared, everyone stood up and the female of the couple to our right went to the lobby. Well a lot of music was played and everyone was enjoying it, then a break was needed. Everyone piled into the lobby for beer and loo. And there she was, sitting on her own in the corridor, her bloke came down to see her, “I don’t like this music” was her first words. Minding my own business and trying not to giggle I made my way for more beer and back to the seats.

Within a song or two, the couple were back in the room, I thought he’d persuaded her to come back, but only for one more song and they had left the building – no problems, more room for us. My rant about this would be, “If you don’t like the music then why did you come in the f@#king first place?!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!”

He should have brought a mate with him instead.

Now that nearly everyone has email at work and home etc, surely there should be a special force that makes sure that old joke emails are forever deleted, to save the time wasted by people receiving them or sending them on. Now I have to admit, most of the age-old emails are always sent from a few people (how can I put this) who are my elders. But as much as I tell them, yet again I get the same pictures I sent them three years ago, the same stories about the Murphy Twins, and the same ones about golfers, genies and Little Johnny. It’s hard to tell people to stop sending junk and think about it first – “has this person already had this? Is this joke older than Mount Vesuvius?”

If an email is brilliant, then yes- forward it on, if it’s a joke that you seem to recall Mike Reid telling back in the 70’s then I’ve probably been sent it 20 times already, so don’t bother!!!

Big up to my mates professing “ Nope I ain’t getting drunk and dancing on the table” and then the hardest part was getting them down.

Big up to “You’ve Been Framed” after a couple of bevvies, because it’s funny watching fat, old people falling over.

Big up to nut-megging Swinners – cuz it’s too easy.
 

Rafa Benitez – at the end of the season – you are wrong and all your whineing proved nothing, apart from you were wrong.

Rafa Benitez – for being so bitter and not being able to congratulate Ferguson.

Rafa Benitez – for complaining about everything

Rafa Benitez – is just (and I quote) A Fat Spanish Waiter.

19th February 2009

Ranting.　

Well, what shall I go on about this time? Should I have a go at the government? Should I have a go at the Fat Cats in the city for ruining Britain’s economy? Should I go on about the banks failing to actually do a job and still getting paid bonuses? Should I rant about recruitment agencies where the agents can’t actually be bothered?

Nope, I’m going to rant about the people and the weather.

You may have noticed it snowed the other week, not just a little, about 6 inches worth (be honest it wasn’t a foot or anything – the settled snow on the back garden path was about 6 inches), but it managed to bring the south to a sliding halt! Let’s look at what happened. One night there was a snowfall, it turned everywhere white and made the roads a bit slippy, so the obvious action for any motorist would be to drive more carefully and make purposeful, not jerky movements. This seemed to elude certain members of the road going public, but that wasn’t too bad. The next day it properly dropped down, this showed up a lot of faults with people. Some didn’t turn up for work because they were “Snowed In”, I can’t see how because last time I saw the snow was only a couple of inches deep and that’s never been enough to stop a 1tonne car from driving. Then again it snowed. This time it was to sort out who actually knew what they were doing. I had to put up with people in 4x4’s not going to work because of the weather – what’s the point in having a 4 wheel drive motor if you aren’t going to use it. Admittedly if you are sliding because you slammed the brakes on, then yes it’s the same as any other car, but, if you say you can’t drive anywhere and you own one of these then you are a wet flannel. I don’t own a 4x4 – I own a front wheel drive estate – not good at adverse weathers, but still I managed to get in without smashing into anything, panicking, having to call out the emergency services or being worried about the snow falling. All I had concerns about is the idiots driving along at normal speeds, with the snow falling heavily, in white cars, with their lights not on. Why not paint the tyres white for a bit more camouflage???? Then I get to a road where some fool driver in a 1 series BMW has managed to wedge himself sideways across the road. Bearing in mind this is a straight road, with new snow – all I can summise is that he was a prat. Then the abandoned cars – pathetic – on a straight dual carriageway main road where one lane was pure snow and the other was slush. Why abandon your car? Just take it carefully!

Ok so there was an email from HR informing everyone to go home due to the weather. No complaints about that – but it amazes me to think there were people in purpose built vehicles not using them for what they were supposedly designed for!!

Chelsea Taxis!! Tarts!
 

20th January 2009

Text – speak in email or letters.

Now text-talk is fine when texting – items like “c u l8r” or “wtf r u up 2” – acceptable because if you can’t use predictive text, it takes less time and requires less brain power (unless you’re at the other end trying to decipher it).

What it is not good for is when writing emails (with the exception of the ones I use, because I say it’s ok!!!) and gives the impression that the email is written by a 15 year old spotty chav with a matching tracksuit and Kappa trainers. You are writing an email and at the speed most people type, then putting in the proper word will not slow them down by too much, maybe a fraction of a second!?!

Admittedly I make the odd mistake with spelling or grammar, but it seems to be a deliberate attempt at being as wrong as possible. Fair enough, include little x’s at the end or some little logos to express your feelings (known as emoticons for those of you over 35), but please at least, if using the word ‘that’ spell it properly, it’s only one press extra on the keyboard, it’s a little press that your right hand can deal with – and one of the letters is repeated so in theory (according to your style of maths probably) it is the same amount of letters.

Below are a few examples from one of those silly chain emails I got sent (one to save the seals which showed a few of the being clubbed than the gratuitous big eyes shot of a seal pup – just to get the hearts squishy);

As you can see from this simple example - even the simples of tasks has turned into an English teachers nightmare. I would even go so far as to say that not even Shakespeare himself wrote such a load of bollocks.　

Seasides – What has happened to them?

I know a lot of things were much better when I was a child, because of a few points:

But now they seem to have been stuck in the last century. Admittedly they all have the same theme – arcades, arcades, arcades, pub, theme pub, greasy café, arcade, rock shop, gift shop, pier, arcades, B&B, arcades ad maybe the odd ‘gentlemans club’ slung in on the end.

They used to be colourful loud exciting places full of stuff to do and right on the edge of the most natural playground – the beach. There were smelly donkeys for kids to ride 5 yards at 1mph with miserable faces, there were deckchair hire people (who were shooting up in the huts during their breaks), there was sand going on for miles - without a hint of dog shite or raw sewage clumps, there was the sea. The sea went on for ever, you were allowed to go out in it, splash about and generally be a kid. Now it’s been restricted, you can’t swim here, or there, you can’t go out more than ankle deep, you have to wear armbands up to the age of 15 and you aren’t allowed ball games. What a load of old rubbish. Back in the days (I hate using that phrase cuz it seems like a century ago) we were sent out running into the sea (of course running is banned now too, along with petting), straight into the unknown to splash face first into the water as a wave hits us with a bit more force than we anticipated. We would pop back up out of the water, spit out a load of sea water, blow snot out and carry on. There was non of this, crying because our head went under, panic because our armbands might be going a little bit flat or scream because the waves splashed them. Bloody bubble-wrapped generation! Things have changed, it used to be ok to snorkel along the happily taking in a bit of salt water and being unable to see anything as it was a bit murky and the sand was moving around, now when you do that, you emerge from your snorkelling session, having not even seen the sea bed (even tho you were only 2 feet away from it), and with a sheet of used bog roll on the top of your snorkel, like a flag from the great principality of Shitville and a condom fish stuck on your back. Then there was the walk back up the beach, where you’d walk along, kicking sand everywhere, oblivious to sunbathers who were now getting it glued to them due to being smeared in copious amount of suncream – like a basted chicken. This is a dodgy territory now, as kicking a bit of sand might reveal and let fly of, a big lump of dog’s leavings, which can nearly be guaranteed for it to land on the beach beastie, who’s been trying to perfect a summer burn (serves him right anyway).

And what is it with sun-tans? Is it to prove you’ve been on holiday? Well you can do that ust by telling people – or you could even wear a “I’ve been to Benidorm” t-shirt all the time – it’s just as subtle. I see no benefit in getting a sun tan – unless skin cancer, prickly heat or sun stroke are a favourite diversion for you. Sitting down or lying down on a beach getting a tan is such a boring waste of time, even if there is a bit of perving to be done, after a certain amount of time, this can wear thin (and is a bad idea if you’re wearing swim shorts or, for some insanely stupid 80’s reason, trunks) after a while and just ends up being dull. If you manage to break through the boredom barrier, there is the risk of falling asleep, which brings you back to the prickly heat / sun stroke scenario. Incidental tans are ok though, if you work outside or have been on holiday, just doing your own thing and happen to catch the sun – that is fine, trying to look like a roast chicken is silly. “It’s relaxing” no it isn’t – it’s a boring waste of time and makes you look like a load of elephant seals (would that be a shoal, a pride or a blubber of elephant seals?

If you amazingly by chance or by sheer determination, manage to either get a hired parasol, or bring your own to cover you from frying, then you have the mission of having to move it every 10 mins or re-position it as the sun moves and it keeps falling over, due to the lightest breeze or some little shite kicking his ball at it.

Then there’s the question of “who ever thought it a good idea to take a coolbox to the beach so you can have a picnic?” There’s very little which is less appetising or appealing than having a manky, mildly warm, sweating, floppy cheese sandwich with grains of the beach lightly sprinkled on its’ edges. No matter how hard you try, you aren’t going to be able to eat at a beach without a bit of silicon garnish.

I’m not even going to mention my feelings about the following;

Beach sellers, Ice Cream vendors on the beach, wasps, posers, attention seeking birds, huge ants or them other little weird beach creatures that crawl, jump and hop about.

What I always find amazing is that, no matter where I am, no matter what beach in the world I end up being forced to be at, there is always that old bloke swimming up and down the coast line, with his goggles and (more often than now) blue swimming cap. Why does he do this? He’s there everywhere – same stroke, same speed, up and down the coastline. He’s about 70, so he’s obviously a retired lifeguard or sommat, still up for showing off to the ladies. He’s got an incidental tan – well semi-incidental as he’s spent all his time swimming he just happens to have been out in the sun all year. And how come when he gets out of the water, it’s like he’s just been paddling and isn’t knackered at all?

I have kind of veered off to foreign holidays but now will go back to the Brit coast.

Piers - once a great institution of a coastal town / city / resort. On each pier were such great buildings of grandure, such as a playhouse, an arcade, a bingo hall, a helter skelter and a rollercoaster.

Not quite sure about the point of making a theatre out 200 yards into the sea - unless it was just people during the industrial revolution showing off and not predicting that the teens of the future would find them extremely useful items to train their arson skills. But build them they did and had such great acts as the classic comedians of the day, variety shows and all sorts of other turd that the holiday public pretended to love. Now the theme still runs but the big names have been replaced with such jockeys as the Chuckle Brothers or Brian Connelly (ah! dungeon of slaps for this w@nker), giving their greatest performance every night to a packed house of 30 people, who are all contemplating asking for their money back.

The bingo hall – well it’s full of old people or people who have a tendancy to like wearing full towelling tracksuits, people who seem to smoke a lot and people who use 10w40 to wash their hair. Old people – fair enough, enjoy your bingo game, the rest – surely you have better things to do, and stop checking out who’s won so that you can mug them!!

Arcade – “All the latest games” is the basic message of the bill boards, what it should read is “All the games that the other arcades have discarded as they are too old or have half the bulbs out on them” There slider ones where you drop a 2p in, it bounces around a bit then lands on a pile of 2p’s which seem to be glues on. If you’re lucky, after putting about £2 worth of 2p’s in, you’ll win 4p back. Not the best investment return ever offered. Or there’s the 5p fruit machines, with a jackpot payout of £3 – amazing, how can they afford to risk it!?!? Well having a go on one of these is a new experience which has to be adored. Not only are the machines slightly worn – the reels don’t line up correctly, the start button is sticky and half of the bulbs seem to have given up all hope. You put your money in to be thrilled to see the reels spin, the first stops on a cherry, then second on a cherry, then the third bounces to a halt half way between a pear and a silly cartoon character (presumably some significance to the theme of the machine). It’s like a dream come true, dimly flashing lights to give an atmosphere, the thrill of the spinning reels and the joy and pressure of the 10p repeater. Or it could be worse – you could be sitting on the beach in a gale force wind.

Helter skelter – the older I get the less point these seem to have. I can’t even start on my lack of enthusiasm for these.

Rollercoaster – ok, so you’re 200 yards out into the sea, unknowing on how deep the water is. You are basically standing on an iron structure in salt water, which has rickety wooden slats as a flooring. Iron isn’t known to be the most rust-resistant material, and salt-water is quite a caustic mix for rusting, so that, added with untreated wood beams (because wood will never rot, or wear) is a perfect platform for a ‘fast’, ‘exciting’, ‘thrilling’ ride. Rollercoasters are meant to be designed to give the rider a thrill, whilst being perfectly safe. Safe only if they are mounted securely and the secure mounting is not a rust-ridden, woodworm infected floored, 200 yards out to sea bit of rickety scaffolding!!!!!

I’ll save the rest of the beach rant for another time

Getting older, slippers, keys and stuff

What is it with getting older that changes a person so much? Personally I haven’t gone through many of the changes yet but I can see them coming and are helpless to avoid them. Suddenly when a person hit a certain age, they have a liking for slippers. Now I am the person furthest away from ever wearing slippers or house shoes. It’s trainers all the way for me, but there appears to be a love of slippers throughout the UK. They are annoying, they are stupid looking, serve no extra value over wearing trainers and frankly, make you look old. Who ever thought wearing fluffy / tartan / Simpson / novelty items made from sponge and fluff on your feet would be a good idea- basically you are now a bit more of a fire hazard than before you started wearing these annoying cushioned plimsolls.

As I’ve grown older, an annoying collection of keys has built up, half of which I don’t know what are for, the other half I am so scared of losing, I have to keep other things attached to them so it make them harder to lose. The end result being a pocket full of metal, weighing in at a kilo, with an array of trinkets and shiny things that a gyppo would be proud to have attached to their Elizabeth Duke stolen rope necklace. There is no need for all these lock-operating instruments, but the day I discard any one of them, the need for its usage will guaranteed to come to light. In my childhood days, I lost a house key, whilst running home from school, happily swinging the key around on it’s key ring, it flew off and (in accordance with the level of luck I have been allocated through my whole life) entered a drain, perfectly, without even touching the side and making a little clink noise as if to say “up yours”. All I could see was a key disappearing into the scummy muddy stuff that drains seemed to populate. It happened to me then and it didn’t seem a big thing. If I lose them now, the skies would open and one of the horsemen of the apocalypse would come and take me away to a land where I have to spend the rest of my day putting charms into those stupid ‘Crocs’ shoes.

And as age sets in, where does the love of easy listening music come from? Unfortunately I have to admit I do have a liking for certain easy listening songs, but then again very few people are happy when I’m listening to happy hardcore whilst driving. I can’t stand some of the tripe that is rammed into my ears when an oldie is trundling along though. Neil Diamond (apart from Sweet Caroline – cracking drunken song), Roy Orbison, Leonard Cohen, Carpenters, bloody radio 2, 3, 4 and Classic FM load of tripe. I’m not sure where easy listening comes from but I find it hard to listen to very easily. I now have a bad feeling that some of the Hed Kandi chill-out albums are actually the new-age easy listening genre – in which case I’m hitting a certain age – sh!te!

Hair! Now what’s that about? Born with hardly any, grow older, become a hippy, then as the hair falls out your head it seems to stick and take root in your back, chest, rear end, ears, nose and any other place that hair doesn’t seem so appealing. Why does nose hair have to grow so long, when I was younger it didn’t grow outside of the confines of my nostrils, now it’s trying to see the light. Fortunately I’m young enough to notice this and get the buggers before they escape, but once a certain age is reached, it seems acceptable for them to flow and even join together across the filtrum, like a nasal beard. Ear hair is another thing that’s not high in the “I find attractive” list by women, but yet it still gives it some effort from some people, oblivious to the bonsai garden erupting from their wing-nuts. Some times I’m glad I cut my hair short now, because, apart from hiding my low-tide hairline, it saves me from having to style it like these tarts that look like they just woke up or are related to chickens.

Fashion sense – to be honest this has been done so many times I can’t even start to go into it, apart from coats. Very rarely will you see a young (or youngish) couple walking along wearing matching coats (unless they were complete geeks at school). It’s a phenomenon in which recently retired people seem to embrace. And embrace it with badly fitting, badly designed, cheap, loud coloured pieced of man-made materials they do, looking like a married couple from Sesame Street. Walking along (or rambling as some of the extremists call it) holding hands or a stick each, looking at the British countryside in the wind, rain and cold of a weekend, remarking on how lovely the view is, how tall the lighthouse is or how cold it is and how they can’t wait for “a nice cup of tea from the flask in the car”.

Flasks! Blimey, either used for kids at first school to put orange / blackcurrant in or just-retired people to have tea or weak soup in. and they never look right. Who ever decided it would be a nice holiday thing to do, sitting in a car, near the edge of a cliff or beach, shivering whilst trying to pour barely flavoured water into a plastic cup full of grains of sand and grit from the floor of the car boot. Then they do that thing where they take a sip and make that “aaahhhhh” noise, comment on how ‘lovely’ it is to have a ‘warm cuppa’. If it’s that good – stay at home and have one!!!

Old people at the seaside! They love it don’t they! Like it’s a new thing to go there! I’m sure everyone over the age of 50 in this kingdom has been to every coastal beach there is available in the UK. They go there for ‘mystery tours’, for weekends, weeks or even to retire, and why? To sit on the promenade (I hate that word, along with pelmet, feature wall and lace), legs akimbo, looking at the sea, complaining about all and sundry. I can emphasise the facing the sea setting the world to rights (with a can containing fermented vegetable drinks), but do they all have to wear the same type duffle coat thingy with big buttons and one of them round kind of hat that looks like a tea-cosy? And it always makes me laugh that they clamber on the seaside ‘train’ (which is actually a small diesel engine novelty car with wood screwed into it to make it look like a train) for a trip along the sea front, only to end up staring at people walking and looking generally miserable. It’s genius. Then not only have the ability to look ridiculous, like they are on a children’s ride, but to frown with such skill that their wrinkles double and become a whole shipment of Pug dogs.

Sea sides aren’t what they used to be either. But I’ll have a go at them another time!!!!

14th November 2008