11th January 2016
returned to the UK, click here
10th January 2011
Waipu Cove, Northlands, New Zealand
...it's harder than you think!!
25th December 2010
Christmas with the
21st December 2010
Well now let me tell you about an evening
of quality football in which I scored a hattrick.... or I could of course just
tell you about last nights footy.
- - 5 or 6 a side for the first 10
minutes, then 7-a-side when all your players turn the f**k up! So by the time
you have your full compliment, you're sweating like a fat lass on the dance
floor at 2am, and wheezing like the same fat lass at 4am when she's getting
boned by a dweeb half her size.
- - Over heads
- - Grass.... yes GRASS for F. Sake!!
What's that about!!!
- - Hockey sized goals... you'd think
even I could find the back of one of those!
- - Throw-ins & corners
- - Rolling subs (at any point in time
regardless of whether anyone else including the ref notices!)
- - Dumb ass ref.
Quite a large venue with about 8 pitches
marked out and a club house/bar that would fit into the welsh countryside rugby
club type scenario where the close harmony singers get up tight about not being
able to speak properly and learn how not to play Rugby. The odd thing about this
place in NZ though is that it was actually dedicated to Soccer, and not Rugby...
a rare find indeed!!
The weather was humid, the pitches were
of a reasonable quality... level overall but not as flat as astroturf so ball
speeds were poor. Also, we've had a few days of tropical rain, but I think that
helped prevent the mud from being like concrete so I was ok with it. No quarms.
Those who know me may remember my
relationship with Ray (does he still ref at Shenley?) as being a little rocky at
best. After the 'Flapping bird looking for the likes of Bill Oddie on the side
line' comment was struck from the record (Forum) things didn't really improve.
So there was no surprise when I piped up just before kick off..."Ref! Do you
have another colour?" 'cos the dumb ass had turned up wearing Blue. Probably the
second (after Red) most popular colour for a kit. "I'm wearing a yellow cap!"
was his reply and from that point, his card was well and truly marked.
Especially as our opposition were in blue. The scene was set.
Now I'm not going to go into a whole
match report... there's just no need. But during the game there were some
noticable differences. Firstly there was more abuse coming from the sidelines
towards the ref from players 'mates & girlfriends'... otherwise known as 'the
bunch of lardy pacific islander trash too fat to play but big enough to leave
their imprint in the grass like a tent when the left after the game'. Racism is
prolific here in New Zealand and it can get a little catching... sorry! But my
language isn't as bad as theirs was directed at the brave fellow with the
whistle.... apparently playing for the other team by colour, but for our team by
judgment through ill-prescribed glasses (according to said Islanders!)
A couple of our players had turned up in
Blue (perhaps to confuse the ref even further) but they wore green bibs... well
one of them did, the other bib just dissapeared after about 2 mins so as a
defender, my first glance anaysis of the attack included the ref and one of our
own players as a potential threat. If it was my team... we'd have our own full
set of bibs, including one bright pink one for the c*nt in the yellow cap!
There was a lack of preparedness by all
teams it seamed as none had matching kits... not a single team. And there was no
shin-pad rule... which might be why a guy got his leg broken just the week
before! Oh and get this..... I noticed a couple of girls playing for some of the
other teams...!!! Can you imagine!! Ewwwww!! Girls!!!! No, No, No, No, NO! Well
not unless they are HOT anyway. And these were not.
We had a player up front who didn't know
how to pass, or shoot, or keep posession, or do anything very well other than
grow a big blond beard. (This he did very very well!) The midfielders were
lively and would probably have scored if beard face had passed to them. The
defence was a comfort blanket to all of course... I played left-back while 'JT'
held the right, moving to central with the attack while I slotted in behind to
cover... sound familiar? Well if might to Gaz if he ever reads this.
Oh yes... the score... well it held 0-0
for the first half (15 mins - yes I was f*cked!) and the in the second half a
sneeky rolling substitution by the other team took a player off in their half
and right behind my back their player walsed on like he'd appeared from nowhere,
took the ball from me and after an unpoetic play of ball managed to get it past
our 13 year old keeper. I guess it will take a while for me to get used to some
of the ways to break the rules.
The game finished 3-0 but we can take
encouragement from the fact that everyone except bead face went in the bar
great bunch of guys who would sit very comfortably in the Bunky's ethics table.
After all... it's ONLY about the beer!!
Oddly enough there was a prize giving in
the bar afterwards for the end of some group stage stuff and I felt right at
home sitting there watching all the other teams collecting their
trophies...sadly though... no pork scratchings. But let me work on it, it was
just my first week!